Animal House

Disturbing headlines batter and baffle us from all areas of human existence:
*Hot Sauce Mom?
*Man tries to sneak snakes on a plane
*Have pilots forgotten how to fly?
*Wasps with massive jaws
*Panda poop
*Empty Space Station

But just as sure as Michele Bachmann was joking about God and Hurricane Irene, and I honestly believe that she was (she had to be, right?), I know that I can count on not falling for some tommyrot about dolphins donning caps, luring fishes into prearranged conch shells, then picking up said shell and shaking out their lunch.

I mean really, can you picture a dolphin in a Knute Rockney-style leatherhead-looking helmet fashioned from coral hoisting up a conch shell to his mouth--like those pretty, pretty scantily-clad young men in Hawaii do at sunset when they blow on the shell before racing around to light all the torches for the evening's luau--just to grab a bite? Talk about a new restaurant where the reservations are hard to come by. The dude just needs to slip some sand dollars to the maitre de!

See, it's foolishness. And I know a good prank when I hear one. I've been, we've all been punked.

Speaking of punks, I just discovered how Woody got all that food last week. He was using the counter stools as a ladder. (I know this because I just caught him grabbing a tomato and running out to the deck to devour it. Hey, at least he's eating healthy foods.) I shouldn't be surprised though, after all he can recite the alphabet, makes lovely artisan cheese omelets, and is currently working on a translation of Dick Cheney's new book. (He speaks Revisionese fluently.)

So do not fall for these salacious and ludicrous news items. There's no way in the world that dolphins can--they what?, who says?, oh come on--uhm...like I was saying, those Dolphins man, you just gotta hope they don't get themselves into any triple overtime situations. Yeah, and hope the U of Miami comes out of the NCAA justice system okay. And how about that Dolph Lundgren? Whew!

Stupid fish. (I know it's a @#*! mammal!)