Last night Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs descended upon Iowa State University, looking to garner enough crazy points to come in at the coveted Number Two spot in the field of GOP hopefuls. (By this time tomorrow, Rick Perry will grab the scepter and run away from the pack, unless he decides to do a Fred Thompson impersonation.)
So how'd they do? While the evening was loaded with material, I've chosen the real stand-out moments for me and awarded one point for each. Here, in ascending order of craziness, are the cockeyed results:
TIED AT 1 CRAZY POINT APIECE (or THE BRONZE):
*Ron Paul ("Cranky")--said that we needed to "change the environment for business" when we should really "change business for the environment"
*Tim Pawlenty ("Snorey")--bragged about having shut down Minnesota's government for the first time in 150 years. Oh yeah, there's a shortage of that type of bravado in DC!
*Hermain Cain ("Feary")--promised no Sharia Law in the USA. I know we were all real preoccupied with that one right now.
TIED AT 2 CRAZY POINTS APIECE (or THE SILVER):
*John Huntsman ("Stiffy")--thinks our economic woes spring from an overbearing EPA. Hey, maybe he chose to move his company's jobs to China so he could enjoy the pollution there. Man, they got us beat in everything! He also committed the unforced error of saying "de-fault" over and over. You wanna accent that second syllable, dude. And in case it ever comes up in conversation H-man, we are currently engaged in "Ear Rock", not "Eye Rack". (Sorry I got distracted. I blame my inner linguist.)
*Mitt Romney ("Lonely")--though he was ignored most of the night--much to his delight--he's probably even happier that John Huntsman made his look downright bubbly. His errors? Well, he was proud of having created more jobs than President Obama, but said nothing about the fact that he's also sent more jobs packing than President Obama. Then there's this little nugget. (This one just kills me.) If you saw the following--"I USA"--on a tee shirt, you might think it was something cool. But in Romneyland it stands for "Individual Unemployment Savings Accounts". Yeah, right. Wasn't it stupid enough when W's idea of "Bushcare" was to have folks save their own money for medical expenses? (haah, haah, haah--I'm doing the Jon Stewart thing with my hands now) Well Romney wants the unemployed to have money stashed away for a rainy day when they're standing there sopping wet and near drowning. 'Cuz you know, first thing I do when I lose is job is rush to the bank to put money in my account! After all, it's not wars, Wall Street liars, or greedy execs dragging our country's economy down, it's those damned freeloading unemployed families whining for groceries and shoes. Please people; why so selfish?
Dah, Dah, Dah DAH!! And now, the evening's big weiners...I mean "winners" of course.
TIED AT FOUR BIG CRAZY POINTS APIECE (or THE GOLD!):
*MICHELLE BACHMANN ("S'no Way-ite")--complained that we're servicing the debt with 42 cents out of every dollar. I think when people do that it's called a mortgage! Oh, but I guess she wouldn't know too much about those. And I doubt the concept of a strict Balanced Budget Amendment would go over well with the folks in Joplin or Tuscaloosa these days, either. (There's that damned rainy day again.)
Staying on the topic of our economy, Snowy then went on to say that, "See, yeah, uh-huh, yay me, the S&P proved me right about that whole debt ceiling thing!" Talk about revisionist recent history, her "re-"take on it is that the S&P downgraded us because they knew we couldn't pay our debts and therefore exonerated her for voting against the ceiling hike. Nice try, you sneaky little booger, but the S&P downgraded us because our pols are idiots! The only debt we can't pay is our debt to our own society to have a more sane government. UGH, woman! Then she tried to say that Tim Pawlenty forced her to vote for a cigarette tax in order to save the unborn. And no, it really doesn't get any clearer with explanation. Suffice to say, she didn't like the cigarette tax and she didn't like the implied "leaner protection" for the unborn Pawlenty attatched to the legislation. So she had to vote for the bill. Told you it wouldn't come any clearer. And finally, (drink blowing through your nose warning here--put down that Coke Zero!) when confronted with the fact that she has not gotten one bill through the Congress during her tenure, she said she's been "at the tip of the spear"fighting President Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid over their democratic agenda. "I sponsored the 'Lightbulb Freedom of Choice Act'" she screamed out to the crowd. Lightbulbs. Thanks for reminding us. One of the last things we picture when we think of you is lightbulbs, that's for sure.
Mea culpa: I really should take one crazy point away from Michelle-shocked for having to put up with a questioner asking whether she would "submit" to her husband if elected President. What year is this?
*NEWT GINGRICH ("Nostalgy")--that's right, it's 1951 and Joe McCarthy has just taken over the HUAC hearings, right? Well that's what figgy-Newton thinks. He thinks it is perfectly reasonable--as a matter of fact we should embrace the idea--to investigate whether or not everyone in the government is loyal to the country. Nostalgy also wants to bring back the Army Draft Board, but not for selective service duties. He wants a draft board-styled committee to decide which immigrants get to stay in the US and which folks get the dreaded 4-F. Good luck with those "Red Probe" and "Draft Board" thingys, old timer. Did you forget how McCarthy ended up? Three years after he took over the House Un-American Activities Committee he was censured by the Senate. Three years after that he died from cirrhosis. Just saying. Nostalgy's other two points come for criticizing the Fox Folks for asking "gotcha questions", and for saying the FED went bad (like a rotten egg?) in the late 90s and that President Raygun had the economy right. So Newt gets kicked out of town and the FED goes to hell. Oh-kay. And Raygun was good for the economy? Remind me again, when did all this deficit start piling up? Oh yeah, I remember now. Newt however, does not.
*RICK SANTORUM ("Creepy")--when discussing his no abortion, no way, no how stand, Creepy Ric-Santo said this: "One violence is enough for the fetus of rape". But I guess that one violence isn't enough for the raped woman or girl. What a swell guy. Then he continually said it was wrong to "tranquil" people's rights. I have no...I suppose he meant "trample", but I would imagine that's a malapropism he keeps in a special place for the unemployed and the poor. Damned tramples! And I would like to have some clarification on this one, perhaps even a diagram with directions, but the man maintains that you can smoke mushrooms. And Creepy Rick's final point was earned when he not once, but several times brought up polygamy, right there on the stage with Main Mormon and Mormon-lite. That's just ugly, dirty pool. Then again, so is not being able to Google your own last name. Touche, I suppose.
Oh, Republican'ts: You had me at the 10th Amendment. You really didn't ALL have to raise your hands in unanimous agreement that a ratio of 10 dollars in spending cuts to 1 dollar in revenue increases was unacceptable! From the moment that first game show bell dinged, telling you your time to speak was through, I already knew that this silly fight to be Rick Perry's back-up band was unnecessary.
You guys! Don't you know? To me you are all NUMBER TWO! xoxoxo
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