Last evening the GOP "Presidential" Contenders gathered by the canals of Venice, threw back some whine, and attempted to each feed the other crow on red and white (and blue) checked tablecloths. Or perhaps that was a dream and The Lucky Seven were just rolling the bones in the desert--hoping to come up with snake eyes on their opponents--surely shooting "crap".
The Western Republican Presidential Debate was held at Las Vegas' Venetian Resort, aired by CNN, and moderated by that network's affable Anderson Cooper. (Full disclosure: I was an Aaron Brown girl.) And while it would be easy pickin's to launch into a bit about the Repubs being at the site of a Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum, I chose to--and Aaron would be pleased--dig a little deeper.
I passed up two of The Venetian's three currently running shows--Blue Man Group (low-hanging fruits there, and yes, that's a double entendre) and Phantom--because again, the comparisons with the GOP field are just too easy to make.
Instead, I'm going with door number three, Jersey Boys, a show chronicling the careers of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. The Venetian offers the following in its caveat about the show which aptly describes last night's performance as well: "Contains smoke, gun shots, and strobe lights. Not recommended for children under 12".
So let's meet our gamblers in true Valli style!
Michele "'Chele-y" Bachmann: Chele-y baby did come out last night, crowing herself as the candidate most opposite of President Obama. (She is a white woman and the President's wife spells her first name with two "L"s, so I suppose she's right.)
Herman "Big Fence, Might Fry" Cain: No, no, he won't cry. When Herman wasn't bashing the Occupy Wall Street movement, he claimed to be Mr. Main Street.
Willard Mitt "I'm the Electable Dude" Romney: Just too good to be true, Governor Romney couldn't take his eyes off of positioning himself as the Arbiter of Rules for Running for the Office of POTUS. (Just ask the oth Guv.)
Rick "I've Got a Plan" Perry: Talks like a man about the new policy he will come up with at the end of the week of any particular debate in which he is asked a question he doesn't want to answer. Other Gover called himself the "authentic conservative" in the race, but did not pull down his pants to show us the proof. I can only assume that he must've needed the approval of the Texas Conservative Brand Inspector's Office because hey, branding is how they do it in the Lone Star State.
Newt "Swear There's a God" Gingrich: The X-man--ex-wives, ex-Speaker of the House--said that if you're not swearin' to god then you cannot be president. He went on to describe himself as a "cheap hawk". Do hawk swear, scream, or squalk?
Ron "Vote For Me, the Fed is Through" Paul: Representative Paul is the Freedom Fighter with a burning love (of The Constitution) inside. He promised not to let it slip away. He'll be praying everyday.
Rick "Oh, That's Not Right" Santorum: Sweet surrender, what a night! The former Senator has now elected himself the President of Pennsylvania, saying that he's the only one in the running who can win that state and you have to win it. Because the White House is on Pennsylvania Avenue? He knows that's in D.C., right?
Supporting Characters: the spirit of Ronald "Ronnie" Reagan, Gov. Chris "Big Man in Town" Christie wasn't in town, the "Dawn, Go Away" audience who booed any attempts to put daylight between one Republican and another, Jon "Who Loves You" Huntsman who was also not in town but rather off spending his evening in New Hampshire in a show of solidarity with the Granite State's history of political firstitude but also realizing that's the only place that could help him through the night. Oh, and Wayne Newton was in attendance as well as some chick in a tiara.
Picture our players on stage, seated at the blackjack table, I mean standing by their podiums, ready to place their bets. They exchange handshakes, they smile and wave, one man grabs his heart, only symbolically we hope. The lights go down, the sound comes up, and the nice man with the most uncomfortable laugh in journalism takes to the airwaves...
Later today, in Part Two, we will delve into what happens next in Vegas.
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