Finally, the season we've all been waiting for...will it be one of love? Will the livin' be easy?
SEASON FOUR: SUMMER
When asked how they intended to beat President Obama, our players--the Baker's half-dozen--took up their positions at their slot machines and pulled the big, balled handle--hoping for all sevens?
Mr. Santorum also pulled a page from the Jon Huntsman playbook of the one-state strategy. "I can win Pennsylvania!" the Keystoner said. He went on to explain that that was all the Republican nominee needed to do in order to defeat the President. You hear that, Ed Rendell? Now get out there and block that punt!
Govs. Perry and Romney went in for a game of badmitton again:
Perry: I created more jobs than you did.
Romney: You campaigned for Al Gore against George Bush, and half of your Texas jobs were created for illegal immigrants. (Huh?)
Perry: A third party showed that report was false. (Hell, after three parties I'd agree with anything, too.)
Game, set, match!
Then Mr. Cain made everything as clear as a big old sweaty glass of Southern Sweet Tea: "Mitt is Wall Street, I'm Main Street." But what about that whole Wall Street did nothing wrong/do you people want a check, thing? So he added: "I've cleaned parking lots." Well hell, man. Why didn't you say so? Hand me my damned ballot right now. The man's cleaned parking lots, for god's sake.
Rep. Bachmann weighed in with her unusual qualification: "I'm the most different candidate from Barack Obama." I could say a lot here, but we'll just leave it with a reprise of my earlier tweet: She's a white woman and spells her Michele with one "L" while Mrs. Obama uses 2 "L"s. Gotta be it.
Mr. Gingrich not only told us why he was the one to beat Obama, he told us how and when he'll do it. "On sheer substance--what, more like Meth or hosiery?--I'm the best candidate (to beat Obama)." Then, again proving his love for anagrams, he asked the President out for dates--in the form of seven 3-hour debates. Wear a carnation and sit at the table in the corner. I'll be there as soon as I've put out another Contract On America. Do you like whine?
Ah, the boys and girl of Summer. Have we answered all 10 questions, I wonder? Let's see.
1. Did you spot Wayne Newton on the front row?
2. The accidental truth was spoken by Herman Cain about the Gitmo "hostages".
3. The Hillary moment was courtesy of Michele Bachmann.
4. The most un-Occupyable candidate was Herman Cain.
5. The segment of the population alienator was Newt "No Pray, No Play" Gingrich.
6. Best mispronunciation goes to Michele Bachmann.
7. "-ism"-hater is Rick Santorum.
8. The venue warned of "smoke, gun shots, and strobe lights" adding that the event is not intended for children under the age of 12. (That was for Jersey Boys, of course.)
9. The attendant with a one-state strategy was Rick Santorum.
10. The person with something nice to say about France, but not Nice, France, was Rick Perry.
Now for the anagrams:
1. Drill, baby, drill: "Gas Salve"= Rick Perry
2. It speaks for itself: "Ass Gavel"=Newt Gingrich
3. It'll be a buck a gallon and she'll save your nests, ladies: "Save gal"=Michele Bachmann
4. What he's best at: "Seals Avg"=Willard Mitt Romney
5. A one-trick pony: "Val's Sage"=values sage=Rick Santorum
6. He gets so close: "A Veg, alas"=Ron Paul
7. That's his biz: "Sale: 'V' gas=V for the shape of a slice=Herman Cain
I hope you won the jackpot during your visit to Lost Wages with me. I know I learned a lot about something and a whole lot of nothing about something else. As long as I'm not sure which is which, I won't get frustrated. Or, as Frankie Valli would say, if "I Made a Fool of Myself" then just trade me in for a "Rag Doll". They always bend over backward for you. And they don't complain...much.
And the next time you're in the desert, beware of large fake bodies of water with elephants drinking by the shore. Even the gondolier will tell you: It's all just a Mirage! 7-7-@ crap, a cherry. So close!
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