Who Let the Ads Out?

"I hardly see what Emmanuel Lewis has to do with this," Shawn Spencer said. But Webster is clear on a few of the GOP contenders.

Huntsman: (n.) A person who hunts; a hunt official in charge of hounds
That 2% in the polls must be a foil for the fact that Jon is really the dude in charge.

Perry: (n.) An alcoholic drink made from the fermented juice of pears
Well that certainly explains the floundering for words in debates!

Cain (n.) Eldest son of Adam and Eve and murderer of brother Abel; also-
Raising cain (informal) To create trouble or cause a commotion
I think we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and go with the informal usage here.

So you've got Jon, who the dictionary says must be "in charge of it", Rick, who must be "out of it", and Herman, who seems to be "stirring it up". And Herman has the campaign ad to prove it.

I'm sure you've seen the "Campaign Manager Smoking" ad for the Pizza Man. And while there have been impersonations--Letterman's "Spaghetti-eater" and Colbert's "Jack Daniels' Swiller"--and many opinions about the possible message, I found the ad to be entirely clear: With Herman Cain you can do as you damned well please.

That might be an inspiring thought for a segment of the population who are busy and don't have time for...say...the thinking, but for the rest of us, it's a frightening prospect. Don't want "big government"? Fine. How 'bout no government. Don't want a President deciding things for you? Okay. How 'bout no President at all. That's right folks, Herman Cain is running a D-I-Y presidential campaign. "You folks know best, so why don't you all decide" is a very short leap from "you're better at spending your money than the government is". Now I don't know about you, but I don't wanna go toe-to-toe with Iran. And Cain's foreign policy? "We won't go in it unless we're gonna win it." You know he's a motivational speaker by trade, right? Couldn't he just shoot for High School Football Coach or something? Why go all the way to the top right out of the gate?

And speaking of "gates", why does the man choose to "unveil" his "foreign policy" at a Texas dog track? I know that Bouviers and German Shepherds were used in the world wars, but what other strand is there connecting dogs with the international front that I'm missing? Cain's "running", "dogging the other candidates", "lapping them in the polls", "tracking his numbers daily", "betting on his long shot race", but that's all I can come up with.

But back to that commercial spot. You're a "random dude" who happens to run the current frontrunner's campaign. You stand with your back to the wall and blow smoke into the camera. You talk over the strains of "I Am America", then wrap up with your candidate turning to smile, slowly. What didn't you use? What ended up on the cutting room floor?

Scenario #1: Random dude stands under "No Loitering"sign outside the 7-11. He flicks his lit cigarette onto the pavement, right beside the trashcan topped with sandy ashtray. We see him push in front of some kids and a pregnant woman to enter the store. A moment passes. He comes out with a tall boy in a paper sack, twists off the cap, and takes a big slug of the beer. Then he burps, loudly, and laughs uncontrollably. Mr. Cain's image appears, turns and slowly bares his teeth.

Scenario #2: Random dude gets out of an exhaust-spewing pick-up truck at the local transfer station. He grabs two big plastic trash bags out of the truck bed and dumps the contents onto the ground. He then walks over to every recycling bin and spits into it. He walks behind a stack of paint cans and computer monitors, turns his back, and pees. A moment passes. He faces the camera again, and walks toward it, fly still open. He takes a canister out of his back pocket and places a huge wad of chewing tobacco under his lip. Herman Cain's image appears, turns slowly toward us, then sticks out his tongue.

Scenario #3: Random dude stands beside a "Post No Bills" sign in a large city. He proceeds to staple up posters of Herman Cain, Godfather's Pizza advertisements, and fliers promoting Cain's book. Then he shoots staples at the feet of passersby, imploring them to "dance". He then raids the tip jars of all the street performers nearby, rolls a joint with one of the stolen bills, and smokes it. He makes lewd gestures using smoke rings. Herman Cain's image appears, turns toward the camera, and flips us off.

I don't know about you, but I'm gonna get Jon to round me up a big ol' glass of "perry". Either it's me or Mr. Block, but one of us is going to be drunk when the next Cain ad premieres. You can bet on it!