ASPIRIN to Greatness: A Cautionary Tale

Once upon a time, in the land of Usa, a hero--a poet really--Rick Santorum came along to tell the people that they must change their evil ways. He was an upright and honest man, believing everything he said to be as true as the bible.

But the Great Santorum was faced with a challenge, for there was a wealthy and awkward man named Mitt Romney who wanted the people to listen to him instead. His message was one of greed and power and didn't go over very well with the masses. But Mitt had enough money that he could drown out poor Rick and keep his words away from the people.

Along came another man, a very, very old man with lots of cash on hand and very few morals--though he thought he had them all--and he lent his money to Santorum in order that his important words be heard all throughout the land. The old man's name was Mr. Freiss and he gave as much advice and counsel as he did dollars. In one particular example of the old learnings he said:

"In my day birth control was cheap.

The gal just took one aspirin and held it between her knees!"

And the people did (not) laugh. How wonderful that on the same day that the Right Honorable Ruling Chamber of the Land gathered all the old, white men it could find to discuss women's body parts and what should or should not be allowed to go into them, the wondrous Mr. Freiss did bless all the people with his simple message of hope. Aspirin cures all ills. 

And with that a great cry (and wailing and gnashing) went out across the land, and now the people DID listen to the Great Santorum. They Googled his last name and all of his old speeches. They poured over prior interviews like travelers searching for an oasis. An oasis of pure, wet, clear truth.

And the more they heard Rick's message, the more he began to cut into that lead of the rich Mitt, and the more the people came to feel similarly about the two hopeful leaders: They hated them both.

Moral of the Story: Sometimes it's just as hard for a poor man to get into heaven (or the White House) as it is for a rich man. And if you let the money tell you what to do, the people will always figure you out.