I have nothing against religious people, mainly because they are shifty and keep moving. But here we are on the heels of another "holy-day" where they rail and rant about the commercialism, the candy, and the character. Seems you cannot be a fan of the Son of God AND Sonny, the hollow milk-chocolate rabbit at the same time.
Wait, that's the War on Christmas. Why is there no War on Easter? Why are the believers not miffed at marshmallow Peeps nor convulsed by colored eggs? Why do they not hold the Easter Bunny in the same disdain as Santa Claus? (He lost his job when Jesus was born and has been trying to get it back ever since. Kind of a Newt Gingrich character study, if you will.) After all, Easter is the paganist pageant of them all: Spring/rebirth, Sex/eggs, Planned Parenthood/pregnancy. It's enough to make you really wanna stay inside your shell...or cave.
But I think I've figured out why the Christians seem to have put all their holiday loathing into one basket (or at least how they've come to compensate for this holiday). You see I was just flipping through the Oriental Trading catalogue where they are "celebrating 80 years of fun", "high-flying values", and more waxed lips than you can spit a raspberry at...unless you're settling up at the ticket redemption booth of your local arcade. They've co-opted Jesus' trying week into a marketing scheme! Cross-marketing, I like to call it. You can almost see OLASJC in a call center recommending the following to all the Sunday School teachers and homeschoolers:
- "TESTAMINTS"*TM -- cross-hatched and mint-flavored confections wrapped in Bible verses
- "TANGY TARTS"*TM"SCRIPTURE CANDY"*TM -- assorted-flavored candy discs wrapped in Bible verses
- "'LEAP FOR THE LORD' Potato Sack" -- for all your backyard fun
- "Mini 'HE LIVES!' Magic Springs" -- Slinky*TM goes savior!
- "Plush Long Arm RELIGIOUS GORILLAS" -- well, duh!
- "Mini 'JESUS IS THE LIGHT' Flashlight Key Chain -- so you won't be lost without Him!
But we've only just scratched the surface--like say a splinter would--of the 'offerings'! Did you realize there is an entire sub-category of Easter-->Inspirational-->COLOR-->Novelties?? There's the Colors of the Bear, What the Colors of the Jellybeans Mean (ooh, pass me some death and original sin, please!), the Colors of the Dyed Eggs--and even amongst them, there is disagreement. (Can you imagine splintering dissent within a faction or sect of a religion? Blasphemy!) White can stand for God's grace, the cleansing of our sins, or purity. Black--well hells playas--black is always bad! And they sure do agree on the meaning of Red, but then they can be a blood-thirsty lot.
You can also have the kids re-inact (and what kid wouldn't want to) the Holy Week Horrors with a "Resurrection Set" made of resin and complete with the man of the hour, six witnesses (making this holiday twice as important as the one with the three wise dudes), and a tomb. That, folks, is a party waiting to happen. Can I be the stone this time, Isaiah? If $25 is too much of a commitment, perhaps you should consider the "'He Lives!' Make-a-Sticker Scenes" where you can move around Halo Guy, angels, palm branches, and doves to your heart's desire. Only $3 for a dozen sheets with 14 stickers per sheet. Score one for the Prince of Price!
I kid the folks at Oriental Trading, but they do offer a good value next time you're having a party, a carnival, or just wanna stock up on 120 personalized pencils so the teacher KNOWS who sent them in during the mid-year supply slump. (Maybe that's just my cross to bear. Well, mine and George Costanza's--the tip jar fiasco...) I've happily bought from them in the past and have no doubts that I will do so again in the future. I am a very satisfied customer. And this isn't THEIR doing: They are simply responding to what a certain segment of their customer base wants. And that's their right; probably a darned good way to stay in business for 80 years, too! But I'm still gonna poke a little more fun...
Perusing the "Inspirational" pages of the catalogue, which are kept cloistered near the end of the mailing, separated by dozens of pages and an order form from such atrocities as "Prehistoric Rubber Duckies" and "Chomping Bunny Teeth" (it's the bunny paratroopers and camouflage plastic eggs that get me in the hunting mood), I did find some real fun-and-games, not just a series of serious downers meant to tell kids (THOSE OF YOU WHO DID YOUR HOMEWORK AND READ LAST YEAR'S BLOCKBUSTER POST, "THE EASTER CURSE", SAY IT WITH ME): "YOU KILLED JESUS, AGAIN!!" Because that is what Easter means to me. Nope, there's some really good-natured humor in the form of: The "'Jesus Lights The Way' Flashing Bouncing Balls", the "'He Lives' Finger Puppets", the "Cross Pencil Sharpeners" (ouch), the "Plush Woolly Lambs (I'm having Carly Fiorina flashbacks), the (I kid you not) "Frosted Lamb of God Suckers" (you'd be frosted too if you were one), and my personal favorite the "'He Lives!' Pop-Ups". Now THAT'S realism for you! "Push it down on the tabletop there, son. Now lookie, wait for it, wheee yonder he goes, straight up into Heaven." Man pulls out hankie. "Dangit, that gets me ever time." And just to drive the point home and keep the heretics at bay, they've even "re-purposed" Runes into "Faith Stones" and "Worry Stones". Cast-away all!
So I guess we've just about nailed down all the GUILTY PLEASURES for your Easter enjoyment. And in case I have yet to offend someone out there, lemme tell you a little story from my own Holy Week. The kids and I drove past a church (not too hard to do) on Monday which had it's three crosses adorned with white sheets. (No, I am NOT going THERE. See, I'm not so entirely predictable. Nah-nah.) Now put aside the fact that I told my kids long ago that crosses, I mean "plus signs", marked the residences of Math teachers and that the Westside cross-topped hill down in Colorado Springs is known to them as "Math Mountain", and just consider the innocence of youth uncluttered by dogma.
"Do you think that's Jesus' panty there or a scarf?" I asked the small child, the fashionista.
"Well it's still really Winter so I'd say it's a scarf."
She'll be so pleased to see the swaths turn purple...I just gotta come up with some awful magic lie to tell her to explain it. You know, like religion would. And maybe come up with some phrase so she remembers it: "Don't eat the yellow snow. Don't take the brown acid. Don't eat the purple jellybeans."
And why not? Because everyone knows that the Fairy Godfather of Conservatism, Ronald Reagan, told us that purple was for his "Hour of Sorrow", but pink is for our "New Tomorrow"!!
...and the slips to be handed out to air-traffic controllers, and the way the sky blushes when you shove a strategic missile defense shield into it, and what Ollie North was in shortly after the Iran-Contra affair.
Not THAT guilty. He is Risen! Oh, MEN!
No comments:
Post a Comment