Cockeyed Gazette: The Senior Edition

ALL KIDS ARE SCOTTISH!

We don't know what it is with the young people these days but it has come to our attention that, for some unknown reason, they all seem to end their phrases and sentences with an upward lilt. Why is this happening? We suspect what with the advent of all this electronic messaging, the poor things are no longer being taught about punctuation in school. So now they've resorted to a false, auditory style of ending their thoughts. That, or there's some cult of influence as yet undetected from the Land of the Clans.

OVERHEARD IN THE CAFETERIA


Imagine our shock and astonishment when Old Lady Beatrice was heard to exclaim: "It says it'll shut off automatically when it's done." Now this is not that sort of publication--as no doubt our accidental reader who found us only by searching outlets with the first four letters of our name sadly discovered--but we're pretty sure we know to what she referred. Then again, they don't call us the Little Blue Pill Man's Group for nothing!

OBITUARIES: ON THE ROAD AGAIN


Goodbye to the three friends we saw roadside on our weekly shuffleboard outing in the home's van: deer, skunk, and raccoon. We'll see you all again...soon.

JUKEBOX JOE: SONGS I WOULDN'T MIND DYING TO


These are some real stinkers that, if you find yourself in the throes of death, would actually make the transition much easier:
*The damned "Friends" theme
*"I've Never Been to Me"
*"Goin' Up the Country"
*"State of Shock"
*"The Sweater Song"

CONFUSING COMMERCIAL


We've had a lot of interest, and even more questions, about our friends at Kleenex (Registered Trademark) and their new Cottonelle (Registered Trademark) TV spot. The product is, we think, a wet wipe for ladies. Now in this commercial they encourage the scantily clad women on the screen to "Get Fresh With a Friend" (probably also a Registered Trademark). Troubling, yes, but is that the most confusing element here or is it rather the fact that there's a puppy pictured on the package? We could make a joke here, but that's a different species. Also, see "Overheard".

Well, that wraps it up for this installment of the Cockeyed Gazette. And, in the words of Rupert Murdoch, "We are sorry."