Well dear readers, we're back from our fact-finding mission in (your town here), and ready to dig in to today's headlines!
POLITICS
(Dateline: Washington, DC) For the July-October campaign funds reporting period, GOP Contender Willard Mitt Romney is clocking in with $1.5 million from Wall Street contributors. For the same period, President Barack Obama is coming in at just over $270,000 from that same contingent. And that is Good News!
(Dateline: a barn in Tennessee) GOP Frontrunner Herman Cain believes he will remain atop the--and the crawl put it this way--"GOP fields". Now, we don't know what they're growing in those fields exactly, but we hope they are in a sharing mood. Because that would be Good News!
(Dateline: the set of MSNBC's "Morning Joe") Dr. Jeffrey Sachs of the Earth Institute reports that Mr. Cain has received financial backing and policy advice from David Koch for five years. This brings up the possibility of dragging the Brothers Koch (not dissimilar from the Brothers Grimm) out of the shadows and into the light of voters' eyes. And that is Good News!
ECONOMY
(Dateline: House of Representatives) Republican Rep. Kevin McCarthy, the House Whip, wants those nasty regulations to stop hindering so many of our vital necessities and services with red tape. He says we should study, among other things, how long it takes for drugs to receive FDA approval here versus how long the process takes in other countries. But if the GOP is also in favor of tort reform, what will happen to all the lawyers we'll need for all those extra class action law suits when the flood of hastily-approved drugs sickens and kills all those pill poppers? JOB KILLER!! But then again, what would we do for TV commercials? Maybe something much more entertaining might come along? And that is Good News!
Wall Street Definition of the Day-- "Toxic Derivatives": today's version of "Snake Oil"
WORLD NEWS
(Dateline: Bhutan) Over the weekend the Dragon King took a lovely young, commoner bride, and after their incense-clouded ceremony, the royal couple walked most of the day, shaking hands with their countrymen. Turns out in Bhutan, they measure their country's success by an indicator known as the GNH. What's that? Gross National Happiness. That should please the Occupy Wall Street protester wielding the "We have the Right to be Happy!" sign. And that's Good News!
(Dateline: Planet Earth) By the end of October, the world's population estimate will be 7 billion people. Welcome to the neighborhood! Seven's a lucky number, right? If it is, then that's Good News!
SPORTS
(Dateline: Detroit) Jim Harbaugh wins our award for coolness as well as subtlety this week. During his little dust-up with Detroit Lions Coach Jim Schwartz, the San Francisco 49ers coach's lips could clearly be read. He was saying...uh-oh..."Get out of my face, get out of my face." See, that's what a few years at Stanford does for the soul. In the post game press conference, Harbaugh, very straight-faced, got off a great one at Schwartz' expense: "That was on me." He went on to give the names of two other people with whom he'd just had handshakes, then added: "...big handshake there." Ouch! Being that good at killing 'em with kindness is Good News!
ENTERTAINMENT
(Dateline: At a theater near you) The results from this weekend's box office tally gives us reason to cheer and to have continuing faith in humanity. The new star vehicle for Steve Martin, Owen Wilson, and Jack Black--we'll just refer to it as "For the Birds"--came in at a disappointing ninth place with about $3.1 million in revenue. It is already on track to possibly be the flop of the year. We could tell from the trailer that this one was nothing but a vehicle and one surely bound for the ditch of "straight to DVR". This is proof positive that the masses are not asses and that is Good News!
(Dateline: Bill's Birthday Bash) Lady Gaga--blessed is She--performed for Former President (the Great) Bill Clinton this weekend as part of his 65th birthday celebration. She was inspired, he was charmed, the Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton was amused, and daughter Chelsea was visibly embarrassed. An all around great evening, for sure. Bill's looking great and is still the smartest guy in the room and that is Good News!
(Dateline: the U.S. Supreme Court) Princeton Professor (and one of the greatest creatures walking the Earth) Dr. Cornel West, or "Brother Cornel", was arrested this weekend during a protest held at the Supreme Court building in Washington, D.C. He must be doing something right. Perhaps too, we'll get a wonderful new jazz ensemble album out of the event from "Cornel and the Supremes". And that would be Good News!
WEATHER
(Dateline: you are here) Imagine if the letters B and G were to switch roles in a weather forecast. Maybe if the Bee Gees were The Weathermen? The outlook would be for a "greezy (greasy) afternoon" with "glowing" winds. We would like to see that...just once. For the long-term outlook we'll delve into typesetting history and wonder about our Ps and Qs. And if you can figure out a good one for that, then that is Good News!
That's it for all the news that fits. Hope you'll all join us back here soon, and until then remember our motto: "If it's cockeyed, it's probably newsworthy to someone."
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