Table: The Motion Picture

First, let's meet our cast. (Play your own movie trailer music in your head now.)

MICHELE BACHMANN--Studied the facts and practiced staring calmly at a spot.

RICK SANTORUM--The spot. Also, much improved and more effective.

NEWT GINGRICH--Angry old nut.

JON HUNTSMAN--Mr. Uninspiring.

RICK PERRY--Not at all sure where to look. Hunched over and withered.

HERMAN CAIN--The Green Candidate: Can recycle 2008 McCain signs for 2012; keeps his answers short and his plans simple, only has his 9-9-9.

MITT ROMNEY--Looked like he'd run a few board meetings before as he commanded the table. Seemed to audition Michele Bachmann for VP with a softball question.

RON PAUL--Oh, I forgot he was there. Sad little troll.

And here are their credentials:

MICHELE BACHMANN--Shout outs to her followers with her two favorite numbers: 28 (for her number of kids), and 666 (the mark of the Cain Beast when 9-9-9 is turned upside down). Said our kids will pay 75% tax if we don't cut spending. Claims that President Obama mumbled to her about Medicare one summer.

RICK SANTORUM--Said the word "cool". Took extra time with an answer because he'd only gotten one question up to that point. Laid out a terrific argument for supporting gay marriage: Households with one wage-earner have 30% poverty rate while those with 2 wage-earners have only a 5% poverty rate. He said we should support families and marriage, so let's see him prove it!

NEWT GINGRICH--Said Sister Sarah was right about the Death Panels and that we should be willing to jail former and sitting Congressmen, namely Chris Dodd and Barney Frank. Said "Washington is stupid." Called President Obama's press conferences "apologies in disguise." Explained that there are two types of people at the Occupy Wall Street protests: Leftwing agitators who dump their trash and decent responsible citizens with things in common with the Tea Party who pick up their trash. Oh-kay.

JON HUNTSMAN--Thinks his dad would make a great economic advisor. Can any of you say this and mean it? Would get rid of all loopholes and deductions for individuals immediately but would phase them out for corporations. Hum. Also said you can tell who has a job by the "dignity on their face."

RICK PERRY--Reminds us that he became a Republican at a younger age than did Ronald Reagan. Not sure I would brag about that. Favors the old drill, baby drill "bit"--I made a fossil fuel funny! Oh, Rick made a funny, too. He said we had our Revolution in the 16th Century. Renaissance, Revolution: they're oh so similar. Wants us not to worry about whether we're going to follow "this policy or that." Thinks states shouldn't have to ask "Mother, may I?" of the federal government before taking action. See Rick secede? Says people want to know what the candidates are going to do to create jobs and he will tell us real soon.

HERMAN CAIN--The answer is always 9-9-9. How do you cut through the gridlock in Washington, Herman? "9-9-9." "It's not about what you can pass but what's bold." Assumes the Wall Street protesters have no jobs. Thought Alan Greenspan did a heckuva job. Was "po" before he was "poor". Got aggravated when the Bloomberg lady asked him why we should add a 9% sales tax when his plan would, according to a Bloomberg study, still come up with a shortfall. He said that was wrong. She then asked why should folks pay more for groceries even if his plan was revenue neutral: Not getting any savings, not adding any revenue--just paying more for groceries. Herman pointed out that those folks would be paying 6% less in taxes and could use that money to purchase as they see fit. Remember, used goods aren't taxed, he told her. Does he want us to buy "used groceries??"

RON PAUL--When he did speak, he was angry that Mr. Cain had called him and his followers "ignorant". Herman said he never did. Ron was not satisfied. Then he guffawed at Cain's characterization of Greenspan's tenure at the Fed: "Alan Greenspan was a disaster!" Then it got all weird, again. The little man started in on his irrational fear of b-words. "We are diseased by booms and bubbles!" And he added, "Greenspan ushered in the biggest bubble!" But in a fit of clarity Paul reminded us that the Republicans had messed a lot of things up too and no doubt had passed some of their own bills that should be repealed.

MITT ROMNEY--Mitt had a terrific night which began with a terrific day as he secured the Robin to his Batman, the endorsement of Chris Christie. With the Fat Man in his pocket, Jake set out to bring this whole race home for good. And I personally think that three of his answers were so well-delivered that in fact he did just that. I call them the knife, the fork, and the spoon. In reverse order and in all their glory, I give you Mitt's shining silverware:
The Spoon: Herman Cain tried to hang Mitt with his 59 point, 160 page plan, calling it too complicated. Mitt, with all the charm of a viper, talked about his own great honor to have been able to solve such problems before. "While a simple answer is convenient, it isn't always adequate." Then using one stone to knock off both Cain and Perry, Mitt said that our economic salvation was not just about the tax system nor energy, "but I address those too." He went on to lay out the seven basic pillars of his 59 point plan. Oooooohhhhh! No he didn't.
The Fork:Poor little Jon Huntsmen took a misguided swipe at Mitt, questioning whether in fact he was a job-creator. Mitt rolled off the names of businesses he's helped start including Staples and Sports Authority. Then out came the fork: "I wouldn't be in this race if I'd spent my whole life in politics alone, although there's nothing wrong with that." Super ouch! Poor Mr. Ambassador.
The Knife:Having just seen these take-downs, you'd think all the contenders would realize that it was Mitt's night. But not Mr. Perry. He took after Mr. Romney like he was a coyote out for a jog. And it got gory, fast. Texas Rick decided it was time to bring out the specter of "Romneycare" to send Mitt back into the shadows. Out came the kitchen sink: "In Massachusetts 8% of our population was not insured and we changed that. We didn't change things for the 92%. President Obama's healthcare plan takes over all of those too. Chris Christie (see how he worked that in) said today that Obamacare "spends an extra trillion, raises taxes, and cuts Medicare". Then, on the bottom of the sink, there sat the knife, glinting in the spotlight of the stage. Romney went in for the kill. "In Massachusetts we had the least number of uninsured children and in Texas, you had the most uninsured children." At this point Perry tried to interrupt, but Romney was having none of it. "I'm still speaking," he rattled off three times. Then he continued, "We have less than 1% of our kids uninsured and you have one million kids uninsured." He pointed out that the numbers of uninsured decreased under George Bush but went back up under Rick Perry. Then, to bring the point home (or twist the knife--you choose), Romney said "Massachusetts favors my healthcare law by 3-1, but I'm not running for Governor of Massachusetts." Headline: Perry Parried.
Lord Mitt also gave us a sneak peek into his version of "Genesis"--not the Phil Collins kind, not even the Peter Gabriel variety, but rather the first chapter in his political creation story:
On Day One--Mitt will offer waivers of Obamacare to all 50 states
On Day Two--Mitt will repeal Obamacare
On Day Three--Mitt will begin paying for everyone's operations??

There were a few cameos last night as well:

George W. Bush--Shown speaking on April 26, 2004, the ex-Prez lauded the rise to 68% home ownership, the highest in the country's history. He said this was "exciting for the future". Which reminds me of that most auspicious fortune-cookie fortune: "May you live in interesting times."

Audience Lady--Asked the panel how they would go about getting banks to lend to small businesses. Charlie Rose asked her to whom she wanted to pose her question, and the lady replied that she was told to ask it of Charlie. Mitt chimed in "Give her the answer, Charlie."

Random Screaming Dude--I have no idea what he was on about. He waited until nearly the very last question before beginning his outburst, making all those folks who'd bet on another crazy audience have to sweat it out right till the end. No worries there.

Speaking of ad libbing, our stars gave us some new ways to say "deregulation"!! Huntsman gave us: "Freedom in the marketplace." Santorum offered up: "pro-manufacturing." And Perry called for another one of those 16th Century Revolutions with his "Declaration of Energy Independence." Catchy, ain't it?

The predictions:
1. Romney will pick between Chris Christie, Herman Cain, and Michele Bachmann for VP.
2. Rick Santorum, Jon Huntsman, and Newt Gingrich are toast.
3. Ron Paul is toast but doesn't know it yet. He's too busy dodging those bubbles!
4. Rick Perry is not toast, but he really needs to find something he's good at and soon. Or he could get a really big endorsement, (Insert crass Christie joke here.)