Friday, November 4, 2011

WEEK TEN: Where the Buffalo ROME

I'm picking 30 games this week and the vast majority I have chosen based on one element of their record: To whom have they lost and who they have beaten. While this isn't always a reliable indicator, as on any given day any team can accomplish anything, we'll see what it gets me.

So, going mainly on strength of schedule, here are your picks (winners in CAPS):

FRIDAY NIGHT

*USC kills Colorado (Good grief, Buffs. When are we gonna play football in Boulder again? Can Embree be worse than Hawkins? No really, I'm asking.)

SATURDAY'S MATCH-UPS

*MICHIGAN gives the blues to Iowa
*Minnesota digs a burrow, though they were brave last week, at MICHIGAN STATE
*Texas Tech wrecks in TEXAS
*LOUISVILLE flutters by Washington State (Anything Cardinal these days, right?)
*SYRACUSE kennels Connecticut
*Indiana continues its slide at the horseshoe of OHIO STATE
*Vanderbilt sinks in the swamp to FLORIDA
*New Mexico State falls to the shrubbers of GEORGIA
*Kansas falls flat at IOWA STATE (Flat, you know.)
*Duke is burned by MIAMI (Sun-burned devils. That's so hot.)
*STANFORD, praises be forever upon them, passes the test at Oregon State
*Texas A&M tries but fails, blowing its "gig" at OKLAHOMA
*Northwestern gets husked by NEBRASKA

~~~~CLOSE GAME ALERT/CLOSE GAME ALERT~~~~~
*Purdue gets their boiler made over by the Campers of Randall, WISCONSIN (Okay, this is one that I did not go with who has beaten who...Here, I went with the pattern: Wisconsin has won, and therefore lost, every other game all season. This is their "WIN" week. Science people, science.
*ARMY trips, falls, then marches past our hometown fliers, Air Force (sorry 'bout that trophy)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*SOUTHERN MISSISSIPPI goes coastal on East Carolina
*Idaho continues to vandalize itself at SAN JOSE STATE
*WASHINGTON STATE, it pains me to say, tarnishes the Cal Golden Bears (Keep it up, coach, and I'll go back to calling you Ted Jefford!)
*HOUSTON rockets past the University of Alabama-Birmingham
*Utah, though valiant, falls to the wretched ARIZONA (But you'll still get to see Mike Stoops explode as always, win or lose...it's his "style".)
*South Florida is slowly jousted by RUTGERS
*MISSOURI claws up the bears of Baylor
*South Carolina, in a legal cockfight, is swallowed by the suey pigs of ARKANSAS (Real NatGeo stuff there! And that's just in the grief I'll get for going 'gainst the Columbia Chickens.)

<<<<<AND NOW, YOUR "SIGNATURE SIX" GAMES FOR WEEK TEN>>>>>>
#19 Arizona State, in a devil of a battle, loses to UCLA because I want Rick to come into Boulder bowl eligible on November 19th. So there. I said so.

#1 LSU puts the voodoo on #2 Alabama. Yes, it will be "epic" perhaps, but the game of the century, no.
I have this thing for the crazy when it comes to coaches. Les Miles, need I say "more"?

UPSET ALERT/\\/ UPSET ALERT:
#14 KANSAS STATE will Snyder up old #3 Oklahoma State, knocking the cowboys off their horses and making way for Stanford to ascend to the title game! So sez this TREE-hugger!

THE FINAL THREE--NO NEWS HERE, JUST ARCHETYPES:


NOTRE DAME reviles the demon deacons of Wake Forest in a classic battle of good versus evil.
If you wake in a forest and no one sees you, did you sleep there? Touchdown Jesus grins.

#5 BOISE STATE, wholesome spuds in hand, gambles and wins against the poker chips of the University of Nevada-Las Vegas. Think rock-paper-scissors: Potato beats chip. Easily.

#8 OREGON quacks up Washington because ducks and dogs do not get along, Oregon's got WAY better politics, and Coach Kelly has more of the awesome than Stevie Sark.

So there's your whole next 24 hours, all taken care of. You're welcome. Now go do your good deeds and protesting knowing I've got this part of your life well in hand.

And gyads PLEASE don't watch the Buffies tonight. Don't listen on satellite radio. Don't even THINK in black and gold. Picture no snow-covered Flatirons; drink no Coors Light. It's gonna get ugly. In the parking lot. Or earlier. And for goodness sakes, keep RALPHIE away from that violent Trojan!

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