ASPIRIN to Greatness: A Cautionary Tale

Once upon a time, in the land of Usa, a hero--a poet really--Rick Santorum came along to tell the people that they must change their evil ways. He was an upright and honest man, believing everything he said to be as true as the bible.

But the Great Santorum was faced with a challenge, for there was a wealthy and awkward man named Mitt Romney who wanted the people to listen to him instead. His message was one of greed and power and didn't go over very well with the masses. But Mitt had enough money that he could drown out poor Rick and keep his words away from the people.

Along came another man, a very, very old man with lots of cash on hand and very few morals--though he thought he had them all--and he lent his money to Santorum in order that his important words be heard all throughout the land. The old man's name was Mr. Freiss and he gave as much advice and counsel as he did dollars. In one particular example of the old learnings he said:

"In my day birth control was cheap.

The gal just took one aspirin and held it between her knees!"

And the people did (not) laugh. How wonderful that on the same day that the Right Honorable Ruling Chamber of the Land gathered all the old, white men it could find to discuss women's body parts and what should or should not be allowed to go into them, the wondrous Mr. Freiss did bless all the people with his simple message of hope. Aspirin cures all ills. 

And with that a great cry (and wailing and gnashing) went out across the land, and now the people DID listen to the Great Santorum. They Googled his last name and all of his old speeches. They poured over prior interviews like travelers searching for an oasis. An oasis of pure, wet, clear truth.

And the more they heard Rick's message, the more he began to cut into that lead of the rich Mitt, and the more the people came to feel similarly about the two hopeful leaders: They hated them both.

Moral of the Story: Sometimes it's just as hard for a poor man to get into heaven (or the White House) as it is for a rich man. And if you let the money tell you what to do, the people will always figure you out.

CPAC: I SEE WHITE PEOPLE

I don't hate white people. Some of my best friends are white. I'm even pretty sure that I'm white. And I thought I'd witnessed "white gatherings" by watching all the Republican National Conventions over the years, but those button-hatted celebrants were stewing in melting pots when compared with the audiences at CPAC. Had those folks laid down naked in my front yard, I doubt I could have discerned the difference between them and the snow. Yet they claim to be the "real Americans".

All the heavy-hitters were there: Mitt and Ayn, Rick and "She Who Must Bear Children", and Newt and Solyndra. Newt even had a jumbo monitor image of him flanked in descending fashion by famous supporters, all of them forming a toppled pyramid. (New World Order?) The whole thing was airbrushed and shades of silver and blue: A nearly monochromatic study of politics and power. In other words, it looked like the promo shot for the next season of "Project Runway". Newt was front and center, a chubby and ill-tailored Tim Gunn, ready to shout "Make it work!" to any and all black or brown men, women, and yes children, that he might happen to come across. Callista, had she been featured in the image, could have channeled Cruella De Vil or Frau Blucher and made an excellent Heidi Klum: "Auf weidersehen,  old sick wives!"

But we need not concern ourselves with the images any further for we have the power of their words. In particular, the words contained in the speeches of Mitt and Newt. Here are the "Off the Cliff's Notes" for Mitt, the unspoken but insinuated:

CODE: "We don't want any rules."
We just insist that you live and love as WE please.


CODE: "We want people to be free."
...to go broke, poor, uneducated, and unhealthy.


CODE: "Our beliefs are no beliefs."
...except to hate whatever others believe.


CODE: "I'll bring business experience to Washington."
I have not been paying much attention lately.


CODE: "Federal workers should be paid according to private sector compensation."
Anyone flying home? Want me to find someone to guide your plane for you?


CODE: "The founders principles should never be challenged."
This place was a lot better under rich white men.


And Newt didn't disappoint either. He was a regular "code-talker":

CODE: "I'm old, listen to me."
And I helped set a lot of the current crap in motion.


CODE: "We will make you rich and get you laid."
Just don't get caught doing either in Congress.


CODE: "Poor and dark people are robbing you."
Don't let them take yours when you can always take theirs.


CODE: "Give us our prescription drugs now."
...and our litigation later.


CODE: "Audit the Federal Reserve."
...but keep your hands off Wall Street.


CODE: "We need to adopt the Irish corporate tax rate."
Because Ireland's economy is doing so well!


CODE: "Reagan was a supply-side economics guy."
So he's the reason we're in this mess right now.


CODE: "We must move the American Embassy to Jerusalem."
We really need to dial up the hate of Arabs.


CODE: "We know who the real Obama is."
And you all know he's not "one of US".


And under the strains of an amorphous blend of music which can only be described as "Country-Rock-Hillbilly-Blues-Making-Time-Pass-Quickly-Bad-TV-Interlude-You'd-Hang-Up-On-Hold" music, were the constant cries for Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happine$$. Or, in CPAC shorthand:

LIFE: C-reating ~~~~LIBERTY: C-antankerous~~~~PURSUIT OF HAPPINE$$: C-orpoate
           P-olicies  ~~~~                   P-atriarchs ~~~~                                                     P-ower
          A-bolishing ~~~~               A-llowing ~~~~                                                      A-ttacking
          C-ompassion ~~~~             C-ensorship ~~~~                                                   C-itizens

And I'll have to admit, it's catching. I've never held a loaded gun in my life, but that's what they'll find if they shrink the government and come for my house: Me, in a rocking chair, shotgun across my lap, sitting on the front porch. And why would I sink to such hyperbole? It's personal. I've owned four houses and lived in dozens of others. Sure, it would have been smarter, perhaps, to stick in one spot all my life and have one house paid for when hubby has forced retirement at 56.  Especially if we're waiting until age 70 for Social Security. And he could get another job after 30 years of daily demanded perfection, or I could return to the workforce--but that's our decision to make. We'd just like the rules to stay the same. (And so would the private sector employees in Florida, Wisconsin, Indiana, and Ohio.) We don't want EVERYTHING, we just want to stick to the agreement, or come up with a fair and agreeable compromise. Mitt wouldn't understand that, according to the folks at all the companies he's closed. Newt wouldn't understand that, according to his first two wives. Rick doesn't understand anything un-sex-related.

After years of bad decisions, I finally got the house thing right. I used to fear I was cursed to never being "home". But, in the wandering years, I managed to contribute greatly to this economy, decided to have kids, showed them different lifestyles, and introduced them to all sorts, shapes, sizes, and colors of people. Will I have no mortgage in a few years? Not unless someone wins the lottery. Did I make perfect choices every time as hubby HAS to do at work? No, but we lived our lives. We haven't been irresponsible, we've been living, pursuing that elusive happiness.

The thought that people lost their homes and jobs "legally" but through unscrupulous practices saddens me. The realization that those same taxpayers were then forced to bend over and give what little they had back to their financial abusers, angers me beyond words. But as agitated as I get, as stupid as I think these "conservatives" are, I'll be damned if I can bring myself to the desire to suppress their vote, censor their voices, stomp on their civil liberties. I'm a softie, a hopeless case. I'm a DEMOCRAT.

I'm no Sharron Angle, thank goodness, but I love my house and I'm only leaving it feet first. Now I just have to remember to muster that same sense of purpose--unarmed, of course--to keep others in their houses. Especially President Barack Obama. Especially the White House. All our houses may depend upon that, no matter what color you or your house happen to be.

So You Think You're Smarter Than A Conservative?

Let's Celebrate CPAC With 9-9-9 Questions!!!!!!!!!


Just match the phrases on the left with the person who spoke them OR the person, place, or thing on the right to which they refer:

1. "spraying hot liquid"  ******* Rick Santorum
2. "exposed to Newt"     ******* Mom's chemo
3. "residents told to stay indoors" Michael Steele
4. "treated for fainting"  *******  Michael Steele
5.  Rand Paul called it "empty vessel" Mitt Romney
6. "little risk to fetus"     ******* Republican Party
7. "Watchout, Santorum's on the loose" Jamaican trash fire
8. "severely conservative" ***** Manuel Noriega
9. "we're not gonna win with money" Tassimo recall

So how'd you do? If you truly are smarter than a conservative, you'll realize that there are almost no wrong answers in the quiz! Just match 'em at will.

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Judgment Day

So I get this offer in the mail a few days back, telling me what a fantastic cook I am and informing me that I'm being given the wondrous opportunity to test drive some kitchenware because my opinion of the goods is so very important to their manufacturers. All I'm asked to do is write a short report on the performance of each item, after which I get to keep whatever it is I've evaluated.

Now writing reports is about as tough for me as breathing, and I do love to collect kitchen goodies, but beyond the thoughts that "this is a club that will never stop sending me stuff" and "I'm dubious of presorted junk mailings", there was one simple truth that sent me tossing the missive into the recycling: This is a job.

And while it may seem a trifling thing to give them $1 per month in order to keep all my treasures, to me it seemed that they were asking me to PAY to do a JOB. (Am I lazy, or what!?)

Along about the same time, my oldest child comes home with a nomination and recommendation to join the local Teen Court. We're one of about 1,200 cities in the country that have these peer-driven interventions for kids who've committed "smallish infractions". The kid attorneys get to train under adult lawyers, and the jurors are given specialized training as well. An adult -- usually a local police officer -- presides as the judge.

Great opportunity, right? But right after I told the child how proud I was of him, I began to worry about retribution. The program claims only 2 incidences of this in over 20 years, but Husband and I were still concerned. We talked about all the after-school hours he'd have to put in; he's already involved in student government, band, and chess. We researched the program online: It sounds terrific, important, laudable. But still, we were chickens.

He said he understood and wasn't disappointed in us, but I feared giving him the message "not to get involved" in something because there might be a slight risk. I hate to think he'll have that as the takeaway.

In this same time period, the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation decided (and later reversed the decision) to cut off funding to Planned Parenthood. The reason given was that Planned Parenthood was "under investigation" and therefore no longer met with Komen's guidelines.  One idiot Republican in Georgia is "looking into" Planned Parenthood on a vendetta. So what! Why aren't we "looking into" the oil companies, the big banks (finally we're doing a little on that front), the SuperPac funders. Come on.

We're talking about a society that allows its government to lie it into two wars, then ask the workers to pay for the bills it's run up. They're asking us to buoy Wall Street while we get kicked out of our houses, to pay for tax breaks to outsourcing corporations while they strip away our jobs. And they're allowing us to labor under a new McCarthyism where one idiot's vendetta is "an investigation", where credit scores can be used to determine hiring practices, and where a valid immigration policy position is that neighbors should stand in judgment of those seeking to prove their "American-ness". (Not to mention the pains visited upon those trying to re-enter society after being captured in the "War on Drugs".)

Who should be the arbiters? Who should stand in judgment of their peers? Whose job is it to decide who among us are "real Americans"? John Edwards was right about the "Two Americas", certainly when it comes to laws. Money buys you a certain cache; the lack of it earns you the bill.

I applaud President Obama for making a dent in these fouls with the new consumer financial protection unit and with beginning to look into prosecuting the big banks and bad lenders. I think when it comes to the 2012 election, he is our only hope for the continued advancement of Progressive policies. I stand firm with the Democratic Party and our President.

But it was still a week of judgments: I judged the cooking club not to be worth my while, I judged the Teen Court to be more of a risk than I was willing to let my child take, and the Susan G. Komen folks briefly judged Planned Parenthood not worthy of its monies. The first two choices are personal and well within my purview to decide. The last would have put thousands of women at risk of living with an undetected cancer, something no one should choose to decide. Even if it is their money.

It's like Mitt Romney saying, "I'm not that concerned about the very poor." Sure, we know what he was trying to say, and while I do not agree with it, that's not where I'd call the Governor out. Those words should not be "formable" in one's mouth, no matter how communications-challenged one might be. You just don't think such a thing. It just isn't possible to put those words together.

Not to be judgmental, but there are just some things that you dare not do.