Since it's nearly wedding season, let's honor the betrothed amongst us with a theme for this week's news!
something old...
Wasilly Sarah wants everyone to know that though it may be Common, she isn't anti-rap. She's so proud she knows the words to "Rapper's Delight, Pt. 2" and so are we. Why not let her throw down at your reception? She'll even bring along the bead curtains and a fondue pot!
something new...
Need the perfect wedding gift? This one's so new that almost no one's heard of it! We had to scour the online comments of another local rag to discover that some folks are carrying around "self-phones". How exciting! Make sure to include a photo of the happy couple and a DNA sample with your order.
something borrowed...
Looking for that special honeymoon spot? A certain ex-Sinnertor has a "house in the Hamptons" that comes complete with your own private concert featuring "Bruce Almighty and the C Street Band"! What a values-based opportunity at only $96,000 for the weak.
something blue...
Well it's black actually, but it makes us blue. It's hard times out there for everyone, even Unabombers, and old Ted's evil wares are up for auction. If you want the Corona used by the man himself to crank out a truly unique batch of invitations, then go ahead, but use it at your own risk. Frankly, we'd flip open the Farnsworth and get Artie right over with the purple goo. Sounds like a deplorable artifact to us! Good riddance to bad rubbish!
Well, that's all the news that (gives us) fits. Until next time...see you in the funny papers.
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