White HOUSE

In examining the GOP 2012 field in an entirely unscientific and arbitrary fashion, I have decided which of the candidates or possible candidates possess similarities to characters from the television show "House". Here are my urbane observations:

MICHELLE BACHMANN (R-MN)--This one was just too easy, and was the launching pad for this analysis. Bachmann, apart from being seemingly uninformed and inept at times, is rough around the edges. And she's nearly all edges. She's the one in the group who overcompensates out of some fear that she will be discovered to be less intelligent than the others and a little behind the fashion curve. It's obvious: She's Lisa Cuddy. All talk and not enough self-confidence. Possibly with good reason.

TIM PAWLENTY (R-MN)--Another easy Minnesotan to cast. An absolute gimme. He's soft-spoken and unassuming. He hides behind the ringleaders and inserts himself only when necessary, and then with a quiet grin. You know: He's Taub.

JOHN HUNTSMAN (R-UT)--This former gov and U.S. Ambassador to China has been making the waves in New Hampshire and impressing folks with his good looks and sense of style. He worked with the "Big Guy", but is now running against him. He has to be a frienemy out of necessity. He is smart, has a winning smile, and nice hair. He dresses well. He is the insider foil to the incumbent. He's a colleague who has switched loyalties. His role: He's Wilson.

MITT ROMNEY (R-UT/MA)--Another Utah Mormon, Romney also has the central casting presidential look. But he seems to change his mind, a lot. He was for choice before he was against it. Same with gun control, and his own health care concept (when taken nationally). He's cute, but he doesn't seem terribly bright. He has money and speaks in a comforting tone. But what does he say? Whatever he needs to say to get by. Smarmy and adroit at working the game: He's Chase.

PAUL RYAN (R-WI)--This one took some thought. Not much, but some. But he did manage to edge out Romney for this key role. How did the medicare crusader do it? Crazy eyes. The man has crazy eyes and that damned scary widow's peak in his hairline. He can do silly things and look like an absolute Gumby at times, and he can get angry and hurt. He's quietly volatile. No one appreciates him, nor do they listen to his advice when he thinks they should. The "Bossman" likes to seat him in the front row and mock him, openly. Who else would push an old lady over a cliff: He's Foreman.

NEWT GINGRICH (R-GA)--Okay, this one is controversial. But you know what? He's the only one in the field insane enough to pull it off. Let's think about it: He can say the craziest stuff imaginable, change his mind on a dime, take outrageous chances, and piss off nearly everyone he's ever worked with. The man has no filter. He thinks the world owes him. And he is a self-proclaimed genius. Forgive me Hugh Laurie, but: He's House.

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA (D-IL)--Well we can't very well leave President out of the conversation, now can we? He's the President, after all. He's too bright to be either hopeful from the Land of Ten Thousand Lakes, too pragmatic to be our Badger pal. (Plus, I could never see him angry enough to be Foreman, nor that lacking in self-confidence.) He's not a Sidekick type of guy, which leaves out Wilson and Chase--our Beehivers. Let's look at what he IS. He's great-looking, smart, has a beautiful smile, understands the head games people play, and makes most everyone in his presence like him. And of course, he tries very hard to swing both ways by working both sides of the aisle in an attempt to get things done. That settles it: He's 13.

Now if Mitch Daniels, Mike Huckabee, Donald Trump, or Chris Christie change their minds, I'll have to delve deeper into the show's previous and/or recurring characters. And if Sarah Palin gets in, good night nurse! Keep posted in those instances: The casting couch is located in the Dr. Freud wing of PPTH.