NEWTon's Law of HIS STORY

You can always count on Newt to count the years. It's almost as if he is secretly Herman Cain's foreign policy advisor, for here we are, back in the '60s again. Where a tall Texan sure did us in. His name it was Lyndon and oh what a sin done by himmm. Again.

The horse Newt Gingrich rode in on there was the Social Security Administration and the Federal Student Loan Program, both horrors revisited or visited upon us by (dare I say the word) Progressive Johnson policy. The man-toad really had it in for LBJ last night. Probably jealous of his height. Or his thinness.

Then Newt all but says that college students are lazy and spoiled. "When they find out we really want them to be in class..." he begins a rant. Maybe he's jealous of their youth. Or their learnedness.

Then Newt tells us that by 2015 the states of South Carolina and Alabama will surpass the coastal Chinese provinces in "cheapest places to do business". Can you say race to the bottom? Because low-bid has always been the safest, most ethical practice. Workers DON'T unite! Or eat well. Or speak. Ever.  I wish he'd just praised the SEC and left it at that.

Now deep into the throes of nostalgia, Newt reminds us (like it's a wise course of action) that he wants to have Lincoln-Douglas debates with President Obama. I guess the 1960s were just too modern for him. Need some of that 1860s action! What, too soon?

And finally the lizardly one has a brilliant plan for helping those disadvantaged among us, or as he puts it, the people who need to "go from foodstamps to paychecks". Classy. He extolls the virtues of fiscal faith as he implores us to "Trust the (job) Creator(s)!" Now we're back into Santo territory. Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in GOPland, but to trust and obey.

Slither (shed), slither (shed), slither.