TWEET: THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Tweet the night before Christmas, no hands on the mouse
Not a creepster was blurbing, not even a grouse,
All the shocking was done by the brave and the fair
In hopes 140 characters would lay their souls bare.

The pundits were nestled all smug in their heads,
While visions of "should-have-dones" lapsed into dreads,
But President Obama, with his Chief of Staff
Had exhausted all pains for a payroll stop-gap.

When out of his phone there arose such a chatter,
Prez had to awake to see what he could gather,
He reached for his iPhone which awoke with a flash
Depressed the "send" button and lit up an ash.

The luminousness of the cellular's glow
Gave off the specter of a kabuki show,
When what to his marveling ears did he hear
But one Speaker Boehner with 8 Tea Party peers.

With the crabby old Speaker so angry and slick
Prez knew in that moment a deal he could stick,
More vapid than pollsters his caucus, John claimed
Had whistled and shouted and called him by name.

"Now, Boehner" said Ellmers and Upton and Cantor
"McConnell has fallen for Pelosi-Reid banter!"
"Time to put down the torch, we've been getting the calls"
"Our constituents say we should dash away all!"

As dry heaves that before the great viral flu toss
When they meet with the dyspeptic, sour their loss,
So up to the House all the cursers they'd pass
A "yea" vote on the 2-month extension at last.

And then with a twinkling felt by the group
The president chortled and gave them a whoop,
He drew on a notepad that they couldn't see
"That's zero for you guys and one for the 'WE'."

He put on his suit clothes, in no time was dressed
To announce the great news to all of the press,
A bundle of joy with a weight off his back
He took up his gum and threw down that pack.

His aides how they twinkled, his people so cheery
His chiefs were like kids and the VP was teary,
His sweet little family, their doggie named "Bo"
All stood at his side to deliver the blow.

The brunt of his speech he held tight like a prayer
But the words they came out before all who were there,
He had a tired face but a smile so endearing
He beamed with the news that the crisis was clearing.

He was courteous and kind, very business-like he
But I laughed when I thought of that sad GOP,
A few words from the podium, he turned and stepped out
Leaving everyone clear on just who'd had the clout.

Then from speaking himself Boehner did not shirk
He stood glaring at cameras the smug orange jerk,
And laying the blame on the President's woes
He applauded himself for assuaging the foes.

He spun for the crowd 'til his team a look shot
And they walked away unaware that the mic was still hot,
So we heard them exclaim as away they did squirm
"That jackass old Dem has just won his next term!"

AND THAT IS MY CHRISTMAS WISH FOR WHATSINGTON, D.C.  HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

2011 BCS BOWL PICKS

Making bowl picks has been a tradition/passion/addiction in our family for three decades. I think it began back when Randy and I were dating, and we've never missed a year since. There were always bets in the early years: Performing some household tasks, personal favors, or money. Seems like I won a lot back then.

In the mid-marriage years and before kids, Randy and I traded wins, but I'm sure he likely bested me. We likely upped the ante to more degradingly aggravating tasks: Probably finding and stacking kindling or going up in the attic to collect some long-lost item from an unknown box.

These days it seems I start out like gang-busters then the kids take over. One year they were both ranked quite high in the ESPN Bowl Mania challenge--the girl even made it to the top 5%! In the end, Dad won, as he usually does these days. We don't seem to actively bet--other than office pools or ESPN hopes--but the trash-talking makes it all worthwhile.

So, without further ado, here are my 2011 Bowl Picks as I've entered them on Bowl Mania. I'll add the "Confidence Points" as we go along so you can track my...progress?

12/19 New Mexico Bowl---TEMPLE over Wyoming (shoulda gone with more points)
12/19 Idaho Potato Bowl---OHIO over Utah State (like, I guess)
12/19 New Orleans Bowl--SAN DIEGO STATE over Louisiana-Lafayette (I think)
12/20 St. Petersburg Bowl-FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL over Marshall
12/21 Poinsettia Bowl------TCU over Louisiana Tech
12/22 Las Vegas Bowl-----BOISE STATE over Arizona State
12/24 Hawai'i Bowl---------SOUTHERN MISSISSIPPI over Nevada (in all likelihood)
12/26 Independence Bowl-MISSOURI over North Carolina
12/27 Belk Bowl-------------LOUISVILLE over North Carolina State
12/27 Lil' Caesars Bowl----PURDUE over Western Michigan (maybe)
12/28 Military Bowl---------AIR FORCE over Toledo (could go either way)
12/28 Holiday Bowl---------CALIFORNIA over Texas (probably)
12/29 Champs Bowl---------FLORIDA STATE over Notre Dame (again, could go either way)
12/29 Alamo Bowl-----------BAYLOR over Washington
12/30 Armed Forces Bowl--BYU over Tulsa (really not sure)
12/30 Pinstripe Bowl---------RUTGERS over Iowa State (likely)
12/30 Music City Bowl------WAKE FOREST over Mississippi State (educated guess)
12/30 Insight Bowl-----------OKLAHOMA over Iowa
12/31 Texas Bowl------------TEXAS A&M over Northwestern
12/31 Sun Bowl---------------GEORGIA TECH over Utah
12/31 Liberty Bowl-----------CINCINNATI over Vanderbilt (likely-to-perhaps)
12/31 Fight Hunger Bowl---UCLA over Illinois (if they're lucky)
12/31 Chik-fil-A Bowl-------AUBURN over Virginia (I think)
1/2 Ticket City Bowl---------HOUSTON over Penn State
1/2 Outback Bowl-------------MICHIGAN STATE over Georgia (likely)
1/2 Capitol One Bowl--------NEBRASKA over South Carolina (slight favorite)
1/2 Gator Bowl----------------OHIO STATE over Florida (I have no idea)
1/2 Rose Bowl-----------------OREGON over Wisconsin
1/2 Fiesta Bowl----------------STANFORD over Oklahoma State
1/3 Sugar Bowl----------------VIRGINIA TECH over Michigan
1/4 Orange Bowl--------------WEST VIRGINIA over Clemson
1/6 Cotton Bowl---------------KANSAS STATE over Arkansas (hope so: lots 'o points on it)
1/7 Compass Bowl------------PITTSBURGH over Southern Methodist
1/8 GoDaddy Bowl-----------ARKANSAS STATE over Northern Illinois (almost a toss up)
1/9 BCS Championship------LSU over Alabama (Who knows?)

I was going to go with Alabama just as a matter of statistics: Two goes at it usually produces two outcomes. But, knowing Les Miles' miracles as I do, I gotta go with the Bayou Kitties. More total points will be scored in this one, but not by much.

Enjoy the Bowl Season! I'll try not to be too upset that NEW YEAR'S DAY has been moved to January 2nd--damned NFL--and if anyone happens to be planning on ever gifting me with Rose Bowl tickets...January 2nd doesn't count. Sorry.

Go STANFORD, go CAL, go DUCKS--to the rest of you good luck!

PARTY IN MY COUNTRY: RSVP by 2012

Nearly one-in-two Americans is near economic poverty. Well not poverty exactly, just in damned sucky straits, as it were. The poverty level has been set at around $25,000 for a family of four. To get the "low income" level--and that's where the one-in-two statistic comes into play--you double the poverty level. Low income then becomes around $50,000 for a family of four. The average for the one-in-two, adjusted with costs like childcare for working parents, transportation, and out-of-pocket medical costs comes to $48,000.

And those costs are REAL. We've all read the "If homemakers were paid what they're due" stories of how folks like me are CEOs running a corporation called FAMILY. And if you have a long commute--and do not live in a city or other locale with public transit--you know that your transportation costs come directly out of your paycheck. These "adjustments" and "studied examples of worth" are viable arguments of fact.

The USA: Where half the people are doing just fine, thank you very much. And you wonder why people choose to OCCUPY things. You CANNOT argue that all the OWS activists and supporters are grimy, dirty, commie pinko hippies when you've got FIFTY PERCENT of the nation staring at you down the barrel of myopic truth.

Then there's the story of how bank loans to small businesses are in the tank. These same banks have had no problem lending to businesses making between $10 and $100 million per year, but if you're coming in at $1 million of less: We're fresh out. Reminds me of an experience I had at a VERY FAMOUS HISTORICAL hotel in Denver--that should narrow it down for you--when I asked if they had any vacancies. "How many nights?" the desk clerk asked. "One," I replied. "No, we're full," was the answer.
If you want only one night, we have no rooms. If you have only $1 million, we have no money.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY OCCUPY WALL STREET EXISTS!! THIS IS THE DAMNED MESSAGE EVERYONE IS SO EXORCIZED ABOUT!! Occupy doesn't need a leader or a "mission statement", banks and corporations need a SOUL. And if you have a small business or know folks who own them, ask them why they don't walk up to the "desk clerk" at the Chamber of Commerce and ask for "one night" of consideration amongst the highly-financed vacation bought and paid for by the GOP, because they cannot have it both ways. The Chamber cannot suck up to the 1% for favors while standing at that desk staring at their REAL customer and saying, "Sorry, we don't have any lobbying left for the 99%. We're fresh out."

Small business people: You ARE "job-creators" but you too are being shafted by the tilt of the current playing field. THEY DON'T LIKE YOU, THEY REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU. Face it, you're stuck with us hippies in the dirt of the neighborhood park, or under our internet tent. Please bring toilet paper.

The message, lost to so many who have identified with their own hidden devils, is clear:

If you are hungry...YOU ARE US
If you need a new warehouse in order to grow your business...YOU ARE US
If you are living in your car...YOU ARE US
If you need a truck to sell your bread...YOU ARE US
If you lost your house to a bank...YOU ARE US
If you barely paid the mortgage to the bank...YOU ARE US
If you are ill and cannot pay to get well...YOU ARE US
If your practice needs another examination room...YOU ARE US
If you rely on a homeless shelter...YOU ARE US
If you need a new oven for your soup kitchen...YOU ARE US
If you rely on a charity...YOU ARE US
If you've seen donations to your charity plummet...YOU ARE US

There's no lack of idea here, only a misunderstanding, by some, that this is YOUR FIGHT TOO. You are invited. Your presence is requested. We need you; we need each other. Please RSVP.

Occupier/activist, small business, low income, in poverty, at risk, foreclosed on, under-capitalized: The label doesn't matter, just the reality. You are the 99%. And half of us are struggling. One-in-five kids are hungry as hell tonight and every night. This isn't going to get the play that a nation under seige from a natural nor national disaster would, but it's just as devastating for many of us. There's no massive drought, no junta or warlord, no tsunami, no earthquake. We've been hit by the lobbyists, the financial sector's lack of oversight (and consciences), and gutless, callous politicians. They are our tsunami. Our disaster was caused from within. We're like the dinosaurs, looking into the sky at the bright, firey star wondering, "What is that?"

Then the meteor strikes and the result: Huge hole in the Middle Class. The school children (if we still have an education system) may study it one day: That uniquely American idea of a class of people-- workers mainly, buoyed by their union rights and love of country--who ran things, made things, built things, had ideas, started businesses, gave other people jobs, and so on and so forth...

And then the headmaster will come into the room, swat at the renegade professor with a cat-o-nine-tails and send him back to his duty: Day-long viewing of Fritz Lang's "Metropolis" (with appropriate editing).

Soylent Green, anyone?

RENT MY HUSBAND: $100 per inch

The director of Oregon's Rogue Valley International-Medford Airport has dropped plans to sell advertising space on the air traffic control tower. READ THAT AGAIN. Now laugh at an ACTUAL quote from the story where said director pulled his controversial idea when he "saw the writing on the wall." (You can't write this stuff, you know.)

I didn't like it when schools began selling ad space on buses, but I adore sky-writing. Obviously, I'm a conundrum. I don't like ads ON sporting athletes, but think they're quaint on the outfield wall of the little league field. I'm a riddle. I don't like ads online, but pour through the Sunday circulars like a woman deciphering a lost language. I'm an enigma.

Maybe I'm missing out on a big payday here, what with hubby in that tower all day and whatnot. If only the cab was encircled in glare-proof magnifying glass, I could have him tattooed with ads. I could rent space on him--my living, breathing billboard.

Let's not leave out the kids. What if I rented space on them to kid-centered advertisers? They're around 600 other kids every day! And just imagine all the cool things I could advertise by artfully shaving the dogs! Wow, this is...

Stupid. Really? More advertising space, that's what we need? NO, it's the REVENUE, silly. You can't just ask folks to buy something for which they have no money. You can't expect a huge supply of information or anything else to create the demand. Huge DEMAND creates the need to advertise, not the other way around. Wouldn't it be great if it were the other way around? Then old RayGun woulda been right and we wouldn't be in the fix we're in now. It's the revenue the airport manager needs. It's the revenue we all need. It's the REVENUE our government needs.

Then again towers do give you lots of room for that magical "trickle-down" concept to play itself out. Let's see how that would work. As for me, I'm not feeling the need to wear a hardhat near hubby's worksite anytime soon.

Whut if tha South Wudda Wun?

Engagingly volatile as our election cycles have become, can you imagine what they would be like if the Civil War had turned out differently? Imagine the US as a country divided--in reality not just theory--with two governments: two presidents, two legislative bodies, two Supreme Courts, two justice systems, and all the rest.

Candidates would not only go after their rivals and those of the other party, but would also take on those of a real "other side." I nominate Dim Jemint-Confederate Republican as president: Let the tea flow freely! The Unionists would be lead by a triumvirate of Dennis Kucinich, Barbara Boxer, and Keith Ellison. Raul Grijalva would be the alternate. Rainbows and unicorns for all!

And the gridlock would ensue. This gridlock would walk up to the gridlock we know now, kick its ass, and stalk away laughing. Eight-hundred-seventy members of Congress, eighteen Supremes, uncounted federal agencies (on the one side--none on the other). Passports would be hard to come by, giving those of us here "legally" (ask the Native Americans to define that one) an idea of what it feels like to be on the other side of a border. Transportation, immigration, infrastructure, would be unbearably difficult to negotiate. Doing business would be a nightmare.

US-A and US-B would hardly get anything done at all. The people would line up and wait for a big bag of nothing. Jobs would move around like the ball in a backstreet shell game. Currencies would become worthless just by crossing a "state line."

Wait just a minute. I mean.... What? Now tell me again: Who won??

Republicans Are From Mars, Democrats From Venus

A View From the (en)-Trenches:

When you boil down the bubbling cauldron of the body politic in this country today, you come to a simple and possibly naive conclusion--we are possessed of different philosophies. While this assumption may be overly optimistic, in my kindhearted moments, I choose to believe it.

Democrats feel that Republicans:
*Do not care about anyone except the wealthy
*Do not want to see anything stand in the way of corporate greed to include common sense regulations
*Could very well not care for women nor minorities (some soon to be majorities)
*Detest anything that brings people together (say, unions)
*Have a fear and loathing of gay folks
*Think everyone is out to get their money
*Feel safer in the presence of guns than not
*Think everyone should believe in Their God
*Do not like education
*Can be lead by the most foolish of opinion-spreaders (Fox, Rush, Beck, etc.)

Republicans feel that Democrats:
*Hate their country and want a socialist society
*Don't understand the "real world"
*Think they are better than everyone else
*Want to give rich people's hard-earned money to freeloaders
*Always favor taxing to pay for everything (or to not pay for anything at all)
*Hate the military
*Want "Hollywood Immorality" to take over our culture
*Are heathen and without moral compasses
*Want to oversee every aspect of daily life
*Would love it if all big businesses failed

Where does the truth--fast and loose as playing with that concept has become--lie? Neither place in the extreme, although some realism can be found in shades of those hyperbolic, stereotypical assumptions.
Republicans do have a strong belief that a smaller government is a better one. They do not want anyone getting a free ride--except, I would say, the "free market". (Man I gotta find that place; I've been overpaying.) They do not want the government to intrude in their lives or in the corporate lives of America's companies. Democrats would argue that for all that talk about government interference, Republicans certainly spent a lot of time and attention on what people do in their bedrooms and doctor's offices. And they do seem to have a natural discomfort with collective, anything.

Democrats often do want to save everyone from themselves; sometimes we do it well as in taking on big tobacco, other times not so well as in over-litigating consumer-caused ills. We feel that a group can accomplish what individuals cannot and do not see the wisdom in waiting for "a thousand points of light" to ride in and save the day. And we think that in order to truly love your country, you must always be willing to point out the instances where it could be improved upon.

Republicans aren't heartless, bible-thumpers and Democrats are not heart-bleedingly evil. Democrats do not think everyone else is stupid anymore than Republicans believe that everyone else is rotten at the core. Truths are never found in excesses. They hide in the middle of most arguments, right in plain view.

And there are some things we can agree on:
*Get money out of politics (EXCEPT OURS)
*Shut down K Street lobbyists (EXCEPT OURS)
*Stop attack ads (EXCEPT OURS)
*No slanted press (EXCEPT OURS)
*No activist judges (EXCEPT OURS)
You see, compromise is possible...as long as you define compromise as "persuading the other guy to your point of view."

Think back to your kindergarten days when all truth was found in two simple ideas: Treat people the way you want to be treated, and you must share your toys. Problem is, those easily understood phrases mean different things to different people. For example, I could use both to argue an Occupy point-of-view. Likewise, I could intone them to prove that everyone should get the same treatment and if they fail then it's no one's fault but their own. Do we want a level playing field with the downtrodden pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps? Does everyone get a trophy just for showing up? Do we play for a tie or go to sudden death overtimes? (And you'll read into all of those your own philosophy.)

We speak the same language, the metaphors are our own. But the meanings, the ideas that those words fuel are as individual as, say, a mandate. A mandate to share your ideas and treat others' thoughts as just that--cool or heated words from an overburdened and pulsating political heart.

I'm SOuLeD

Tough as I am on the Tebow, the wearing his religion on his sleeve (eye black), I am as happy as a clam in a casino that the boy has gone and won us another victory.

I don't care how he does it: The Lord distracts Marion Barber...twice, dumb luck, or pure will, the boy is a winner. His buddy, L&S JC, is welcome to keep visiting the Broncos, keep talking to Tim, keep whispering whatever nonsense it is that makes John Elway so angry. (He's recalling his rookie season, no doubt.) So long as he doesn't ask me to "believe", Tebow's my quarterback now.

I was so pissed when the Broncos drafted him: I didn't want the "baggage" he brought. If I'd known he'd packed up some pixie dust and halos, I'd have felt different, perhaps. Good football is fun football, and mechanics aside, Tim Tebow has brought fun football to Denver.

I remember all the ESPN College Gameday segments done with Tebow over the Florida years when he was called a superman, a bionic hero. His arm motion was set to computer animation, his strength and stamina compared with robotics. Now, in the NFL, his footwork is horrible, his throwing style ugly, his passes atrocious, his planting unnerving. I'm glad he's proving the old men who can no longer play the game wrong.

I won't be hollering any hymns, but I will gladly sing the Gator's praises. He is doing it his way, or perhaps His Way, but it's working. The Broncos were bound for an early bow-out when he started starting, now they look play-off worthy. Dare I say, Super Bowl worthy? Stranger things happen here every week. (And away, too.) Six weeks in a row, now.

It is well with my soul. Glory, glory, hallelujah...

'Tis so sweet to trust in Tebow,
Just to take him on the road,
And to watch his Mile High antics,
In the 4th, he will unload!

Amen.

Making Reasonable in Des Moines

So I watched the Thing last night: The GOP Debate aired by ABC, the throwback channel. Even in HD it felt like the '80s. Why is that?

I really did think that overall, the candidates made nice; they seemed to be lining up running mate possibilities at a few junctures. And though they disagreed frequently, I didn't find any overt examples of assininity. (A miracle in itself with the Newtster on the stage.)

And to my taxed little mind, several candidates made some good--though wrong--points. In other words, they seemed to have a grasp of their opinions and made their case on certain points. I'd put Mitt Romney, Rick (and this pains me) Santorum, Rick Perry, and Ron Paul in this category. Michele Bachmann was somewhat successful at fending off a couple of attacks, but the camera shots of her hubby in the audience were price-less!

And Newt? Newt is an ass. If you slept through those same '80s that ABC's production values seemed to harken back to, you do not recall the rise of this hideous beast. Newt is Newt's biggest fan. He's more of a chameleon than Romney, somehow managing to be inflexible at the same time. Newt is bad news.

No one knows for sure how this will all turn out: I'm thinking brokered convention AND third-party candidate. Then again, I stare at car crashes. I defiantly look directly into the sun.

As long as President Obama is re-elected and Newt Gingrich goes back under his K-Street rock, I'll call it a good day. We've had our dinner; might as well stay for the movie.

Christmas Lists

When I was a kid there were two things that were always on my wish list: A new stuffed animal and "lots of surprises." I made sure to end with the surprises so Santa wouldn't forget: I like to be amazed.

As an adolescent, I always wished for Super Bowl tickets...that one never happened.

Then, as a young adult, I began a wish which continues to this day: New Year's Day in Pasadena. I hold out hope that one day this one might come true. I mean, what a perfect day: The most awesome parade in the nation--The Tournament of Roses Parade--followed by a game in the Rose Bowl. How awesome! I'd get there a few days ahead of time so that maybe I could stop by some float barns and check out the last minute work. I'd stake out a cool spot on Colorado Avenue for viewing the parade. I'd enjoy the beauty, the weather, the smells of all that flora...I'd hope for Stanford or Cal or Colorado to play in the game. It would be magical.

Until that happens, I do have a few other lists to share, for there are three things I enjoy way too much right now and three things which I detest in an unnatural fashion.

Three Things I Enjoy Way Too Much Right Now:

1. The DISH Network Xmas commercial: I LOVE the dude who belts out "Good Tidings for CHRISTMAS", 'cuz he really puts his heart into it. Look forward to him every year.
2. The song in the current Heineken commercial: Thought I'd never hear it again after whatever office commercial it was that used it before went away. It makes me happy. I do not know why.
3. The Holiday Remix satellite music channel's Christmas Classics set to electronica. So smooth!

Three Things I Abhor With An Unnatural Disdain:

1. Football players watching themselves on the Jumbotron.
2. The Smarty Had a Party commercial: Die, vile ad!
3. The "new" LifeSavers Sweet Storybook: When I was a kid, I always enjoyed getting the Storybook which held several sleeves of the candy in various flavors inside a book that opened like an actual book. Half of the candy was on one side, the other half on the side opposite. They were displayed in the local grocery near the magazine racks by the registers and I got a new one every year. It became a part of our family tradition. The Storybook still exists, cleverly disguised as the genuine article from my youth, but only upon opening the book do you find there is just a thin flap for the lefthand part of the book with candy only on the right. This isn't a Storybook, this is a Short Story Book. It's half of what it used to be. LifeSavers people, could you please either give this incarnation a new name or come out with the old Storybook again. This new thing holds none of the magic, much less the heft, of that lovely little treasure from so long ago.

I'll keep opening Storybooks wherever I see them, hoping against hope that one will prove to be real. Who knows, maybe I'll find the one with the Rose Bowl tickets inside!!

The Three Holes of C0L0RAD0

Governor Hickenlooper, yes, that's his name, has formally applied to have a Space Portal built in our state, which means we would be primed to accommodate the commercial space flight/supply needs of the Outer Realm. (It also means that if the sh*t hits the fan and we continue to greatly ignore Climate Change that we Coloradans will not have to drive south of our border to New Mexico to flee the catastrophe.)

If approved, this would be just the newest of our portals, some of which you may not have heard. I'll set them to music for you:

1. The "T. T. Rider": This is the loophole in Mr. Tebow's contract with the Broncos that lets him opt out, come The Rapture.

2. The "Stairway to Golden": The Coors Light you see at the end of a very drunken tunnel.

3. The "You Say Goodbye and I Say Hollow": In this version of beetlemania, the pine beetle takes perfectly good stands of ponderosa and turns them into Swiss trees.

There you have it: One hole for every "O" in our name. Now if we can just become spacemen! (We're pretty close to the sky as it is, you know.

Today in History

Yes, today is of course the 70th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, and I want to thank and honor all those of the "Greatest Generation" who struggled and served. As was discussed on Morning Joe this a.m.--everyone does not sacrifice in today's conflicts as they did in those days. (And yet Iraq has been our longest-running war to date.)

But I'd like to shine a light on a few other of today's anniversaries, along with their contemporary counterparts (though likely only in my cockeyed mind).

THEN:
DECEMBER 6, 1787 HAPPY DELAWARE DAY! Delaware became the first state to ratify the US Constitution on this date. That's why we know it as "The Constitution State."
NOW:
The Colorado River is going to run dry at some point. You see out here in the West, gold may be a precious find, but no solid, liquid, nor gas can top WATER in importance and survival. The Delaware River set me down this rabbit hole of logic and was buoyed by a column in the local rag. Rightwing as it definitely is, the columnist was still able to pull off his argument that Climate Change is causing a faster evapo-transpiration rate along the Colorado's course meaning that when the aquifers run out, the claims on the river will grow to a fever pitch and the flow will be compromised. As Delaware was Number One  223 years ago, water was then, is now, and will in the future continue to be our Number One concern. Plus, water is really good for one's "constitution."

THEN:
DECEMBER 6, 1909 Chemist Leo H. Baekeland received a patent for Bakelite, the first synthetic plastic, and a source of great joy for collectors of moderne. Say what you will about petroleum products, BPA, and off-gassing--and I'm right there with you--this stuff is pretty darned swell.
NOW: So the local five-star hotel is showcasing some chefs who are, I'm sure, quite wonderful at what they do. However, I take issue with a printed recipe for Peach Melba that takes upwards of seven hours to prepare. SEVEN FLIPPING HOURS for ice cream in a peach half? No thanks, chefs. I'd rather spend six hours combing through thrift stores for retro kitchenware then return home to scoop out some ice cream for those little peach moons. And I'll have 45  minutes to spare.

THEN:
DECEMBER 6, 1911 China abolished the requirement that men wear their hair in a ponytail. Okay, men telling men how to do something. Or not to. Which brings me to...
NOW:
Steve Young, Joe Theismann (it doesn't rhyme with Heismann), and Randall Cunningham gave interviews recently in which they evaluate the quarterback play of one Tim Tebow. Readers of this blog will note that I have been very hard on Tebow as it concerns public displays of religion, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to defend the boy now. Steve Young makes the point that Tebow, being allowed to play with his mechanics uncorrected, isn't learning anything. Young, who entered the NFL as a scrambler and left a pocket-passer, says that Tebow can and will win games, but not championships with his level of play. The Hall of Fame 49er says Tebow needs, as he did, to learn how to be an NFL quarterback: To study the defenses and to learn how to pass.  Theismann says that Tebow has only thrown one interception in seven games because he often throws the kind of ball that no one can catch. He adds that we should "enjoy the circus while it's in town." Randall Cunningham, much to his credit, said that in his first year he was no more accurate than Tebow. He went from a rookie year percentage of 42 to an end of career 56.6%. The AP writer, Arnie Stapleton, goes on to say that though Cunningham "was one of the most exciting players of the day" he "never won a championship."
So you have three takeaways (no pun) from Mr. Stapleton's article from which to choose: Steve "I'd like to see more throws" Young, Joe "Not enough completions"Theismann, and Randall "What's his winning percentage" Cunningham. It's 85.7%, and I'm going with the kind-hearted, doesn't-seem-to-have-a-chip-on-his-shoulder Cunningham. Just makes me that much happier that I just snagged a Cunningham #11 Minnesota jersey from the Goodwill last month. I'll recall his gracious attitude whenever I or my 11-year-old daughter (it was a birthday gift) wear it.

So like "Water for Peaches" and "Quarterbacks with Ponytails", every day has its connections to the past. Thank a vet, bake with joy, and give someone a break--whether they deserve it or not!

Equality, Security Have Their Price

You may have read or heard the AP story over the weekend about an 85-year-old woman who claims to have been injured in a "strip-search" by the TSA at JFK in New York. And you may have been outraged; at first blush I was, at least, dubious of the TSA's action.

But I'm no stranger to confrontation when it comes to that much-despised agency. It was Thanksgiving at DFW and, well, I got put into the "little pen" for being a rabble-rouser. I've mellowed out a great deal since, but at the time, I had been subjected to a cancellation, was traveling with two toddlers, and was fresh off a long family visit. 'Nuff said.

But I read into this lady's story a bit further. Yes, she is in a wheelchair, weighs less than 110 pounds, and is "hunched over" in her words. She also has a defibrillator implanted in her chest. She asked to be patted down so as to avoid the scanners and the TSA complied.

I looked up the TSA guidelines for such patient/travelers and found that while the machines aren't known to cause mechanical problems with the devices, the devices can cause the machines to go off: They are intended to find metal after all. Even a handheld wand can be triggered by a defibrillator or pacemaker. The story doesn't elucidate, but perhaps such an event occurred or maybe her wheelchair and walker made it necessary to have her undergo a more detailed examination by authorities. There is no recording of the private procedure, just her word against the female agent and the agency, but the woman claims to have sustained a bump which caused her to bleed profusely. (She's also on blood thinners, common practice amongst heart patients.) All we know is that the exam lasted eleven minutes, causing the lady to miss her flight.

And there is the next place I come up against it. Her flight to Florida for the winter was scheduled to take off at 1 p.m. on Saturday and she arrived at the ticket counter at 12:20 p.m. Now that might be okay at a very small airport--though I would never chance it--but JFK is a hub and one really shouldn't put oneself in the position for an eleven minute delay (plus any "in dispute" medical attention) to interrupt one's plans. After all as the flier you know your situation, the rest of us do not. Those requiring assistance or those who will need to ask for personalized attention should take it upon themselves to facilitate this by getting to the airport a bit earlier than this lady deemed necessary. In the story, her son complains and says he wants "someone fired". Really? Someone just doing their job--and a stressful one at that--should be fired for Christmas because you cannot walk your mom to security?

I'm not trying to throw stones here. As I say, I made an ass of myself once with the TSA and my husband is in the industry. I know better and I know of what I speak. And I do not know the family's situation, just that family situations are often difficult and I empathize. But asking for some security agent's head is just too much for me to fathom, especially these days.

I know I'm speaking out of turn, I may very well be wrong. But I think, if nothing else, perhaps such instances as this can remind us to be personally responsible when we are in public. So many fellow travelers are counting on us in an airport just as they are on a dark night on a two-lane road. There's a pact, an expectation of each other.

And what would have happened to that TSA agent had that woman somehow been a threat which went ignored? You know good and well we'd all have screamed to high heaven. How can these people win when we put them in such untenable situations daily? Ask yourself if you'd want to put up with the likes of you under duress? I know I'm glad I wasn't the TSA agent that Thanksgiving Day in Dallas.

These folks have an unenviable job. They do not get to choose with whom they come into contact, nor the rate at which they must dispatch them. They only know that everyone is in a great big hurry. And as any old cashier--this one included--will tell you, working the Express Lane is the worst front-end grocery job there is.

I'm sorry that this lady had a bad experience. I do feel empathy for her condition and her travail. But I'm also sorry that the TSA agent had a bad experience as well. We task people with expectation of perfection--just ask any air traffic controller about that, for an extreme example--then want to cut them off at the knees whenever they try to do just that: Keep us perfectly safe.

"Do I look like a terrorist?" the elderly lady asked. Well what does a terrorist look like? As the Prophet Humphrey Bogart said in the original--a worthwhile watch for sure this holiday season--"We're No Angels", "If crime showed on a man's face nobody would have mirrors."

So the next time you travel try to take out as much of the stress as you can by following the common sense guidelines the TSA and FAA set forth. And if you can, find a little empathy for those who are not vacationing or visiting: The workers who stand guard between you and the next news story.

Bronco Benediction

Brothers and Sisters:


Today we were blessed with the fifth miracle of the football Prophet Tim Tebow. With a game on the line, the Holy Hurler again brought his team to The Promised Land of victory. Blessings be upon him and upon the Great White Stallions in his charge.


Now some--the Fox Sports analysis crew--are doubters. They speak of the mechanics of the game in the same way that so-called scientists discuss the "Big Bang Theory". Terry (the Lord took your hair) Bradshaw went so far as to say that Glorious Tim won the game because he "had to be a conventional pocket quarterback and was very successful." BLASPHEMY! These football scientists discount the fact that Jesus--the one who Truthteller Tim points to so often--is behind these wins, orchestrating them from above just as sure as the number 15 adds up to six which is a three letter word which is symbolic of The Holy Trinity. It is so obvious that even the blind--whom Prophet Tim could heal--can see it!


Certainly after a few more weeks of miracles even the prognosticators will get on the Tebow Train to Glory. Pious passes are his burning bush; humble handoffs are his parting of the seas. And when he runs you can see the very face of God.


Football's Saints may be in New Orleans, but there's one more Saint out there and some call him "Tim".

Bravado, Mr. Cain!

We all have egos. But few of us have "achieved" the level of egoism which allows us to utter such things as left the lips of Herman Cain yesterday.

Major Frank Burns comes to mind, whose egoism marched hand-in-hand with a paranoia that lead him to believe in his own perfectionism. But he was just a figment, a character on M*A*S*H.

Mr. Cain is a character who has also decided to live on in reruns. Mr. Cain does not want to be our president, but he just won't stand for the possibility of robbing us of his terrific ideas and great wisdom. Gee, thanks. He's launched a website (look it up if you're interested, I'll spare you it here) so that his brilliance, his love for this country and all of us, will not be lost forever to the annals of the also-ran.

Call it a non-victory lap or a not-gonna-say-farewell tour, but Mr. Cain's mission is clear:

*To sell more books
*To parlay his fame into a Fox gig
*To meet the ladies (groupies)
*To stroke his...we'll go with ego

Here are two things Mr. Cain actually said at his Redneck Revival Rally yesterday in Atlanta:

*"I haven't lost faith in America."
*"This hurts the American people."

Now, as the prophet Henry Spencer explained to his son, Shawn: "In every lie there's a kernel of truth." So with that in mind, let's look again at Mr. Cain's musings.

*"I haven't lost faith in America." The context here was that even though he had been hijacked by "false and unproved" accusations, Mr. Cain could still enforce his ideology (whatever it may be) onto the nation (or at least the Teapotty version of it). "You still deserve me. I'll forgive you. You are worthy of me yet," are other words for his impression of the situation. Seriously. I've heard of blaming the victim, but lauding the perpetrator??? Beyond belief and ego! I think Mr. P. T. Barnum gets the credit for digging out the kernel here: "There's a sucker born every minute."

*"This hurts the American people." Again, Mr. Cain maintains that because he was "falsely and wrongly" accused that the VOTING public is wounded on his behalf. How dare those women try to steal Herman's glory away from our eyes! Herman's saying: "You need me. I cannot let you go on without me. The evil-doers cannot win!" This kernel-finding award goes to everyone who has ever uttered the phrase, "Look! Elvis!" Shiny object: good. What Herman Cain's really been up to: not so good. His version is diversion.

Can you imagine standing before a crowd and waving your own banner to the point of claiming martyrdom? The guy doinks a woman for 13 years, never tells his wife, and calls the woman a liar. Worse yet, he harasses women, denies it, and calls them liars. This is our paragon of virtue. This is the poor soul who parades out christians and soldiers to vouch for him. This guy who seemingly knows very little (and is proud of the fact) about our world KNOWS that we need to be enlightened by the likes of him.

One marvels at the demons in his head who must remind him on a daily basis that he is a misunderstood genius. Beyond that, why would he think that anyone other than himself and the demons would care to be a part of the conversation?

Because a small (here's hoping) portion of the electorate continue to engage with such characters. What does that say about them? They're looking for something or someone to fix them perhaps. Ironically these same folks want everyone to grab onto their own bootstraps and let their own hovels burn down when the fire department runs out of funding. They wait for their rightwing savior all the while screaming innanities at those who bother to expect consideration from their government. Democracy is messy, what with the people and all...

If you buy a ticket, the carnies will come. And carnies--while being amongst the scariest creatures on earth--need to have big egos. They are "larger than life" with a bent toward the showmanship of it all. Simply stated: Politicians and carnival folk are fellow travelers. They go from town to town, throw up their rag-tag ideas, amuse the crowd, and leave a trail of sawdust and candy wrappers behind. They count on some in the crowd to gather the sawdust for mementos and scan the wrappers for hidden meanings.

There is nothing cryptic here. Herman Cain is putting on a show of his sawdust-weight understanding of the world wrapped in the candy of his own ego. It's a confection like no other. With a really dry center.

It reminds me of fig NEWTons.

WEEK 14 PICKS

First off, let me congratulate the Ducks AND UCLA. Rick Neuheisel is a terrific coach, and a nice guy, and should be awfully proud of the way the Bruins played last night. An 18-point deficit against Oregon is admirable for anyone on the schedule. If some AD is worth their salt, Rick will have a new gig soon. (Sorry Embree, but I wish he'd come back "home" to Boulder!)

There are some really big games today--two of them have begun in the Big East so I will not pick those--and your nine winners are as follows:

*Southern Mississippi loses to HOUSTON
*Georgia loses to LSU
*VIRGINIA TECH defeats Clemson
*WISCONSIN defeats Michigan State
*Oklahoma loses to OKLAHOMA STATE
*New Mexico loses to BOISE STATE
*Iowa State loses to KANSAS STATE (I think)
*Texas loses to BAYLOR
*University of Nevada-Las Vegas loses to TCU

Enjoy the football and root for your faves in today's Championship match-ups!!