Seeing Red

This past weekend was one of many colors: The white of the Nor'easter, the orange of jack-o-lanterns, and the red...lots of red. Here are my top "red lines":

1. Cardinal Signs
I began the day yesterday walking the dogs, dressed all in red. I just had to wear my pride on my sleeve, chest, and back in the form of my Stanford long-sleeved tee. And there are, of course, the plural Cardinals to celebrate as well, the St. Louis Cardinals. Later, after setting up the haunted house for four hours, we got hungry. And the day got interesting.
Daughter and I went out for lunch. I was thinking Sonic, but she mentioned Taco Bell. Realizing that I only wanted to spend the 15 ones I had in my pocket (left over from the school Halloween Dance), I went with her suggestion to get the box of 12 tacos for a little over $10. That left enough for a giant chalupa! But, it also meant that we were, unintentionally, purchasing a Pac-12. I'm still in my Stanford shirt when we go inside. The kid who took our order wore a name badge--he is Leland--as in Leland Stanford's University (or LSU). Just goes to show you can find synchronicity anywhere when you're looking for it!

2. Over the (tree) Top
No, this isn't another Stanford story. This is a National Weather Service rant. Not the same old rant though--the one where they blew every forecast last winter when calling for snow. They must've called the wrong number because even here in Colorado, winter never came.
This time I'm exorcized over a new foul--hyperbole. I know that this weekend's Nor-Easter caused deaths and power outages and both those are serious events. But what did the NWS call the storm? "Absolute tree carnage." Really. I thought I was seeing the red when it came to that agency but I guess they're seeing it now...everywhere, even in trees.

3. Cain's Refrain
Mr. Cain may have a credibility problem. Yes, he's about to speak about the sexual harassment charges that dogged him in the '90s, but let's set that--again a serious issue--aside and look at his response so far. First, his people go after the press and "liberals". Then, when confronted on the street outside CBS News Headquarters by Politico's Jonathan Martin, Cain goes to the old standby response. Martin asks Cain four times whether or not he's ever been accused of sexual harassment and Cain finally replies with this: "Have you ever been accused of sexual harassment?" You'll recall, of course, the "Uzbeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan" quip. Same tactic. Then, in a related matter, Cain says to America's youth, "Don't smoke". But if smoking--with the Mark Block ad--has become a symbol of his campaign, is he then running to be the President of only the United States of Adults? More likely this is an instance of "do as I say not as I (say it's okay to) do." That brings me back to the "have you ever been?" and "do you know the leader of?" responses. Just sounds a little too "nah-nah-nah-nah-nah" to me.

4. Red-y for Prime Time (Standup)
Oh Rick. Why must I enjoy you so? If you've seen the footage, of at least the edited footage of Rick Perry's address to a crowd in Manchester, New Hampshire Friday night you know how funny this guy can be. He cracked himself up by simply saying he was born on a farm. He was "loose" in Mark Halpern's opinion and a great comedian in mine. I was reminded of two things: First, it was as if he was doing his own badlipreading.com spoof, and secondly, he was channelling Robert Redford in the backseat of the car between campaign stops in "The Candidate." "Vote once, vote twice, but vote for the candidate of your choice." Perhaps Perry, like Redford's character has allowed himself behind the curtain to see what the Wizard of Politics really looks like. Maybe, just maybe, Perry was so taken away with the silliness of the whole thing that he just couldn't help himself. No doubt he'll be lambasted everywhere for his "appearance", but I'd love to see him roll this out as his new campaign gambit. Silly sells. We have abundant proof of that.

So go out tonight and trick-or-treat knowing that whether your pumpkin is orange, green, or white, somewhere today something will have made you see red! And please have fun tonight because day after tomorrow is Election Day! That's a horror. BOO...

What a Week in Sports

I'm still coming back to Earth after Stanford's triple-OT win over USC. That was way too scary on this Halloween weekend! First the St. Louis Cardinals, then The Cardinal of Palo Alto--whew!

The two late games are still underway--Wyoming @ San Diego State and Arizona @ Washington--and I have the home teams in both of those. So of the 38 decided games of my 40 picks I am 28-10. Hoping to go to 30-10 by evening's end.

With all the chaos and calamity in our world just now, it is nice to have the respite of sport. For that I am grateful. Today the NCAA, tomorrow the NFL, someday soon perhaps even bigger goals and scores.

But for now I will be glad for this exciting week on the ballfields and in the stadiums. I will outfit my Haunted House tomorrow, enjoy some Pro Football, and do my little bit to make my world a happier place.

Costumes? So far I've been the 99% in front and the 1% in back, a dead French artist, and next, most likely, a zombie. Down-and-out, then dead, then undead--my little commentary from the peaceful sidelines. For those of you in the fight: Be strong, be safe, and thank you.

12 @ 50 Update

For those of you keeping score at home--have you no nothing better to do?!--my "new thing" for October was a painful and unexpected one: Standing up for right vs. wrong in extremely close quarters.

Eventually good will come from this, but as Eleanor Roosevelt said, sometimes "You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Hey, can we have something fun and happy for November please??? Geez already. Lesson over, I want recess!!

WEEK NINE-NINE-NINE PLAN

Okay, we're looking at 40 teams this week; winners in all CAPS and losers can "look on with envy" as Henry Spencer says.

SATURDAY'S MATCHUPS

*#11MICHIGAN STATE @ #14 Nebraska
*Missouri @ #16 TEXAS A&M
*Purdue @ #18 MICHIGAN
*North Carolina State @ FLORIDA STATE
*NORTHWESTERN @ Indiana
*SYRACUSE @ Louisville
*UAB @ Marshall
*#10ARKANSAS @ Vanderbilt
*#12 VIRGINIA TECH @ Duke
*AIR FORCE @ New Mexico
*Washington State @ #7 OREGON
*Baylor @ #3 OKLAHOMA STATE
*#9 OKLAHOMA @ #8 Kansas State
*Illinois @ #19 PENN STATE
*#22 Georgia @ FLORIDA
*#25 West Virginia @ RUTGERS
*Navy @ NOTRE DAME
*IOWA @ Minnesota
*Tulane @ EAST CAROLINA
*WAKE FOREST @ North Carolina
*BUFFALO @ Miami (Ohio)
*SMU @ Tulsa
*Memphis @ UCF
*San Jose State @ LOUISIANA TECH
*HAWAI'I @ Idaho
*Colorado State @ UNLV
*Colorado @ #21 ARIZONA STATE
*IOWA STATE @ #20 Texas Tech (explanation follows)
*Mississippi @ #23 AUBURN
*Kansas @ #24 TEXAS
*CAL @ University of California at Los Angeles
*MISSISSIPPI STATE @ Kentucky
*#13 SOUTH CAROLINA @ Tennessee
*#5 CLEMSON @ Georgia Tech
*#6 STANFORD @ University of Southern California
*#15 Wisconsin @ OHIO STATE
*NEVADA @ New Mexico State
*Oregon State @ UTAH
*Wyoming @ SAN DIEGO STATE
*Arizona @ WASHINGTON

GO THE CARDINAL! GO DUCKS!

Now, to explain the Iowa State gambit: While both Iowa State and Texas Tech have lost to Texas A&M, the Red Raiders just had a big win over Oklahoma and have Texas next week followed by Oklahoma State. I think they'll have their heads elsewhere just long enough to give the Cyclones the advantage.

And a word of warning: I changed my mind on a bunch of these picks--mostly from risk-taking to more of a sure thing--so that tells me we might be in for an Upset Saturday tomorrow. (Or I could just be having a crisis of confidence, AKA injection of common sense!) Good luck to your teams!

Shades of Shea

"There's hits in that chair," Keith Hernandez reportedly said in the dugout as he headed back to the clubhouse during the extra innings of Game Six of the Mets' 1986 World Series run. So he went back to sit in the chair. The Mets went on to win the game and the series in a come-from-behind fashion never before seen in the postseason.

Twenty-five years and two nights later--last night to be specific--baseball history seemed to repeat itself as the St. Louis Cardinals, down to one strike left in their season three times by my count, managed to pull out the 11th-inning "11-th Hour" victory. You're welcome.

As soon as the Virginia-Miami football game was through, we switched over to watch the end of Game Six. It never came. Eighth inning heroics were followed by ninth inning heroics, and so on. The Texas Rangers raised the bet to seven and the Cards saw it. The Rangers upped the ante to nine, and again St. Louis "met" them. At the end of a tied tenth inning I could see the writing on the wall: This was 1986 all over again. I told hubby, "there's hits in that bed," because on October 25, 1986 I had given up the ghost for the Mets and gone to bed, only to miss the live version of events. (Thank goodness for VHS--I still have that game on videotape.) I knew that if St. Louis was going to get this done, and if hubby was ever going to be released from his recliner, I had to go to bed. Hernandez would've insisted. And it worked. I hadn't had the time to turn out the light when hubby came down the hall announcing that I--I mean the Cardinals--had won, finally.

I like the baseball, or as George Will might say when asked if he likes the sport, "No, I'm a Cubs fan." I too like the Cubs and would love to see the ghosts of Wrigley exorcized going back to 1908, Ernie Banks and goat or not. But I'm not really a Cardinals fan. I know one and he has a special spot in my heart--hi, Der Dribber--and I find LaRousa interesting, but I cannot claim fanhood. Same goes for the Rangers; though I used to love Nolan Ryan, I'm not a fan of his team. I thought the Phillies pitching staff would prove untouchable--I was wrong. I thought the Red Sox would play in September--I was wrong. I was hoping for a Brewers-Tigers series, mainly for the economies of those beleaguered cities, but that was not to be. So why the overpowering need to (up until now) anonymously assist the Cards last night?
Because somewhere in the dark of a St. Louis night, a fellow I know and enjoy likely stumbled out of a bar crying and laughing into his to-go beer cup.

Here's the story. Among hubby's co-workers are two guys, one a Rangers fan from childhood, the other a Cardinals diehard. Hearing them volley over the series at work one day about a week ago, hubby suggested they purchase Game Seven tickets, just for the hell of it, to see if they might get to see their teams go for it all in person. They did. They're in St. Louis right now. And they're in for a great game tonight, I'm sure. So you see it had to go to Game Seven. And the to-go cup guy spilling over with emotion? He's the Rangers fan, who had to hope against his team's winning its first ever World Series title last night so that he could go to the game tonight. Talk about being torn. Much like the shirt off Mr. Freese's back, I'm sure our boy-by-the-arch is feeling some world class agonizing joy about now. (Sadly they don't put that on display at Cooperstown. Maybe he can make a shadowbox when he gets back here.)

So while I'd just as soon the Cards win after all that magic last night, I'm just gonna pull for two pals, sitting somewhere amongst the roaring throng at Busch Stadium--one dressed in blue, the other red--hoping...little kid hoping for their miracle in that sweet, gut-wrenching fashion so well-known to lovers of the heartbreakingly poignant game called "baseball".

Who Let the Ads Out?

"I hardly see what Emmanuel Lewis has to do with this," Shawn Spencer said. But Webster is clear on a few of the GOP contenders.

Huntsman: (n.) A person who hunts; a hunt official in charge of hounds
That 2% in the polls must be a foil for the fact that Jon is really the dude in charge.

Perry: (n.) An alcoholic drink made from the fermented juice of pears
Well that certainly explains the floundering for words in debates!

Cain (n.) Eldest son of Adam and Eve and murderer of brother Abel; also-
Raising cain (informal) To create trouble or cause a commotion
I think we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and go with the informal usage here.

So you've got Jon, who the dictionary says must be "in charge of it", Rick, who must be "out of it", and Herman, who seems to be "stirring it up". And Herman has the campaign ad to prove it.

I'm sure you've seen the "Campaign Manager Smoking" ad for the Pizza Man. And while there have been impersonations--Letterman's "Spaghetti-eater" and Colbert's "Jack Daniels' Swiller"--and many opinions about the possible message, I found the ad to be entirely clear: With Herman Cain you can do as you damned well please.

That might be an inspiring thought for a segment of the population who are busy and don't have time for...say...the thinking, but for the rest of us, it's a frightening prospect. Don't want "big government"? Fine. How 'bout no government. Don't want a President deciding things for you? Okay. How 'bout no President at all. That's right folks, Herman Cain is running a D-I-Y presidential campaign. "You folks know best, so why don't you all decide" is a very short leap from "you're better at spending your money than the government is". Now I don't know about you, but I don't wanna go toe-to-toe with Iran. And Cain's foreign policy? "We won't go in it unless we're gonna win it." You know he's a motivational speaker by trade, right? Couldn't he just shoot for High School Football Coach or something? Why go all the way to the top right out of the gate?

And speaking of "gates", why does the man choose to "unveil" his "foreign policy" at a Texas dog track? I know that Bouviers and German Shepherds were used in the world wars, but what other strand is there connecting dogs with the international front that I'm missing? Cain's "running", "dogging the other candidates", "lapping them in the polls", "tracking his numbers daily", "betting on his long shot race", but that's all I can come up with.

But back to that commercial spot. You're a "random dude" who happens to run the current frontrunner's campaign. You stand with your back to the wall and blow smoke into the camera. You talk over the strains of "I Am America", then wrap up with your candidate turning to smile, slowly. What didn't you use? What ended up on the cutting room floor?

Scenario #1: Random dude stands under "No Loitering"sign outside the 7-11. He flicks his lit cigarette onto the pavement, right beside the trashcan topped with sandy ashtray. We see him push in front of some kids and a pregnant woman to enter the store. A moment passes. He comes out with a tall boy in a paper sack, twists off the cap, and takes a big slug of the beer. Then he burps, loudly, and laughs uncontrollably. Mr. Cain's image appears, turns and slowly bares his teeth.

Scenario #2: Random dude gets out of an exhaust-spewing pick-up truck at the local transfer station. He grabs two big plastic trash bags out of the truck bed and dumps the contents onto the ground. He then walks over to every recycling bin and spits into it. He walks behind a stack of paint cans and computer monitors, turns his back, and pees. A moment passes. He faces the camera again, and walks toward it, fly still open. He takes a canister out of his back pocket and places a huge wad of chewing tobacco under his lip. Herman Cain's image appears, turns slowly toward us, then sticks out his tongue.

Scenario #3: Random dude stands beside a "Post No Bills" sign in a large city. He proceeds to staple up posters of Herman Cain, Godfather's Pizza advertisements, and fliers promoting Cain's book. Then he shoots staples at the feet of passersby, imploring them to "dance". He then raids the tip jars of all the street performers nearby, rolls a joint with one of the stolen bills, and smokes it. He makes lewd gestures using smoke rings. Herman Cain's image appears, turns toward the camera, and flips us off.

I don't know about you, but I'm gonna get Jon to round me up a big ol' glass of "perry". Either it's me or Mr. Block, but one of us is going to be drunk when the next Cain ad premieres. You can bet on it!

My Foot (or two) Fetish

NOAA swears it's coming: One to two feet of snow for our county, elevation, and town.

Last year, I was swearing at NOAA. You see, they forecasted a few inches here and there--sometimes double-digits--and it never came. Never. Winter lost our address last time around.

Now, it's personal. All those snow toys Santa brought--the boards, the sleds, the mini-snowmobile, the snow-shoes--have yet to get their test run. They've spent nine months buried in the garage, yearning. Woody the curly cocker is beside himself because he LOVES the snow. Rosie the shih-tzu is thrilled because she hates it. My new tree farm and all the new front yard "children" could certainly use a good heavy, wet snow to help put them to bed--a good bed-wetting--for the winter. And craziest of all, I miss the stuff!

When I first moved here back in the mid-90s, I was enamored of the snowfalls, especially the big ones. I used to keep a count of the inches on a calendar. (Last year we hit a whopping 15 at most. Our average should be around 100.) Then I went through a phase where the snow had "delighted me long enough" in the words of Jane Austen, and I was tired of driving in it. We moved to NorCal soon after. Two-plus years later we moved back home and got some snow, but not a normal amount. Then there was last year, as I've already elucidated.

So today, with a hopeful heart, I will clear out space for hubby's truck in the garage, I will look for the camping pots in case I need to cook on the gas stove (or in the fireplace). I will keep a flashlight close at hand and move the plants away from the windows. (We're expecting lows in the teens or less.) I'll run the dishwasher and do a few loads of clothes. I'll charge up the cell phone and move a lot of wood from the woodpile into the garage.

And, if the weather prophets do not disappoint this time, I'll drag out those lonely, purposeless snow toys. If I can remember where I put them, that is.

Thoughts from the Window Seat

What happens in the clear space between the cloud deck and the clear blue sky? When earthbound, it is so easy to forget, to realize that "it isn't this way everywhere". It isn't even "this way" directly overhead if you travel far enough.

How different would we feel if we perceived the clear space beyond the clouds? Would that immensity run away, drag us up taller, push out all our air? Would we inhale the simple high of more space and more light?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tree-covered mountain ranges, their valleys, their rivers, stretch out below. Golf course shapes appear where people have moved into the forest. As we quietly pass overhead, the rivers capture us like long wet mirrors. From this height, the great gap of a river between the green ridges looks like a line of missing puzzle pieces--the yet to be discovered; the place where the questions lie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time stops. It seems nothing happens when in fact this is the fastest you'll ever go in your life. But you are floating, unattached. The recirculated air whirrs, a false breeze in a conjured environment. Sounds are soft and small. The only scent is that of metal, fuel, and air.

Then you arrive and the treadmill begins again. From the rush you boarded the calm. From the calm you are thrust back, refused a permanent sanctuary, required instead to re-articulate yourself into the din.

Football's Fantastic Four

CONGRATS to you, you best the odds:
Michigan State, Texas Tech, Purdue, and Miami!
Oh, and thanks for clearing out some room closer to the top for The Cardinal.

What about today?
I'm going with the Broncos--it's a state law here.
I'm also going with the Packers, but really like the Vikings as well.

Some great games yesterday...hope you got to enjoy them.
Stanford now has every record under the sun except for most respected by computers. And they're in Silicon Valley. Isn't that irony?

Also, can we start a petition for those of us who would like to see the half-time shows at the games rather than the half-time network updates? Hey, band parents, I know you're with me!!

MAGIC WEEK 8!

Indulge me in one sidebar before we get to the main story for today which is football of course.

THE SIDEBAR
So if you look at the MSNBC homepage--and likely many others, as well--you will see at the very top, on the left, one story; just across from it, on the right, another story. The story on the left tells us that "a friend to the U.S.", heir to the Saudi Arabian throne, has died. On the right we see a line of Libyans--one man reporting that he is "happy"--as they wait to see the dead body of Khaddafy. I suppose the Colonel is "lying in hate" as it were. But to me there is another story. On the left you have a nation, an "ally", which seems to be made of that famous "teflon" when it comes to bad press. On the right you have a nation which seems to be a bad press magnet. One death is mourned, the other celebrated.
Pan Am 103, and the release of the man who planned it, were inexplicably terrible events. And the Libyan people have suffered mightily under their ruler. Those are facts whose events cannot be condoned nor their reality denied. I'm simply noting that in this comparison at least, in the realm of public opinion, it seems that Saudi Arabia is the Homecoming Queen to Libya's (pick the thing you hate from high school). But what I'm really asking, and of myself now and often, is this: Are we spending too much time being cheerleaders for "our side" in so many instances and not enough time studying matters and crafting opinions for ourselves? Life rarely runs along the narrow defining lines of dichotomy. Khaddafy was a bad guy for sure, and I hope the people of Libya will find their way through this difficult but necessary time. I just do not want to blythely assume as much glory on one nation as we rightly do infamy on the other. The juxtaposition of the two stories just struck me wrong, I suppose. No offense intended; must be the old newspaper layout editor in me clamoring for attention again.

AND NOW, THE MAIN EVENT: FOOTBALL!!
WEEK EIGHT: LAY IT STRAIGHT (or Eight Maids a Milkin'??)
I'm gonna try a little experiment this week. An experiment in the probability of constants. I maintain that all the Top 25 teams playing today will win according to their ranking. Last night was the outlier. Today will look like this:

#1 LSU will defeat #20 Auburn (game in Shreveport)DUH: Baton Rouge--had "less miles" on my mind, I suppose
#2 Alabama will defeat Tennessee (game in Tuscaloosa)
#3 Oklahoma will defeat Texas Tech (game in Norman)
#4 Oklahoma State will defeat Missouri (game in Columbia)
#5 Boise State will defeat Air Force (game in Boise)
#6 Wisconsin will defeat #16 Michigan State (game in East Lansing)
#7 Clemson will defeat North Carolina (game in Clemson)
#8 Stanford will defeat #25 Washington (game On The Farm, Stanford, Ca.)
(And might I just add that the fact that Clemson is ranked #7 and Stanford is ranked #8 somehow reminds me of that sidebar above. The Cardinal just "can't get no respect!")
#9 Arkansas will defeat Mississippi (game in Oxford)
#10 Oregon will defeat Colorado (game in Boulder, commiseration in your local tap room)
#11 Kansas State will defeat Kansas (game in Manhattan)
#12 Virginia Tech will defeat Boston College (game in Blacksburg)
#13 Nebraska will defeat Minnesota (game in Minneapolis)
(But hey, Sunday is Packers-Vikings day. There's always tomorrow, right Minnesotans!?)
#14 South Carolina is idle
#15 West Virginia lost to Syracuse (game was in Syracuse last night and is our "outlier")
#16 (see #6)
#17 Texas A&M will defeat Iowa State (game in Ames)
#18 Michigan is idle
#19 Houston will defeat Marshall (game in Houston)
#20 (see #1)
#21 Penn State will defeat Northwestern (game in Chicago)
#22 Georgia Tech will defeat Miami (game in Miami)
#23 Illinois will defeat Purdue (game in West Lafayette)
#24 Texas is idle
#25 (see #8)


Football-by-numbers: Let's hope it turns out better than that horsie at the fence I attempted to paint-by-numbers years ago. (And no, it wasn't a Paint Pony.) Giddy-up to the gridiron, pardners! Yee+Ha

When at The Venetian...Pt. 5

Finally, the season we've all been waiting for...will it be one of love? Will the livin' be easy?

SEASON FOUR: SUMMER
When asked how they intended to beat President Obama, our players--the Baker's half-dozen--took up their positions at their slot machines and pulled the big, balled handle--hoping for all sevens?
Mr. Santorum also pulled a page from the Jon Huntsman playbook of the one-state strategy. "I can win Pennsylvania!" the Keystoner said. He went on to explain that that was all the Republican nominee needed to do in order to defeat the President. You hear that, Ed Rendell? Now get out there and block that punt!
Govs. Perry and Romney went in for a game of badmitton again:
Perry: I created more jobs than you did.
Romney: You campaigned for Al Gore against George Bush, and half of your Texas jobs were created for illegal immigrants. (Huh?)
Perry: A third party showed that report was false. (Hell, after three parties I'd agree with anything, too.)
Game, set, match!
Then Mr. Cain made everything as clear as a big old sweaty glass of Southern Sweet Tea: "Mitt is Wall Street, I'm Main Street." But what about that whole Wall Street did nothing wrong/do you people want a check, thing? So he added: "I've cleaned parking lots." Well hell, man. Why didn't you say so? Hand me my damned ballot right now. The man's cleaned parking lots, for god's sake.
Rep. Bachmann weighed in with her unusual qualification: "I'm the most different candidate from Barack Obama." I could say a lot here, but we'll just leave it with a reprise of my earlier tweet: She's a white woman and spells her Michele with one "L" while Mrs. Obama uses 2 "L"s. Gotta be it.
Mr. Gingrich not only told us why he was the one to beat Obama, he told us how and when he'll do it. "On sheer substance--what, more like Meth or hosiery?--I'm the best candidate (to beat Obama)." Then, again proving his love for anagrams, he asked the President out for dates--in the form of seven 3-hour debates. Wear a carnation and sit at the table in the corner. I'll be there as soon as I've put out another Contract On America. Do you like whine?

Ah, the boys and girl of Summer. Have we answered all 10 questions, I wonder? Let's see.
1. Did you spot Wayne Newton on the front row?
2. The accidental truth was spoken by Herman Cain about the Gitmo "hostages".
3. The Hillary moment was courtesy of Michele Bachmann.
4. The most un-Occupyable candidate was Herman Cain.
5. The segment of the population alienator was Newt "No Pray, No Play" Gingrich.
6. Best mispronunciation goes to Michele Bachmann.
7. "-ism"-hater is Rick Santorum.
8. The venue warned of "smoke, gun shots, and strobe lights" adding that the event is not intended for children under the age of 12. (That was for Jersey Boys, of course.)
9. The attendant with a one-state strategy was Rick Santorum.
10. The person with something nice to say about France, but not Nice, France, was Rick Perry.

Now for the anagrams:
1. Drill, baby, drill: "Gas Salve"= Rick Perry
2. It speaks for itself: "Ass Gavel"=Newt Gingrich
3. It'll be a buck a gallon and she'll save your nests, ladies: "Save gal"=Michele Bachmann
4. What he's best at: "Seals Avg"=Willard Mitt Romney
5. A one-trick pony: "Val's Sage"=values sage=Rick Santorum
6. He gets so close: "A Veg, alas"=Ron Paul
7. That's his biz: "Sale: 'V' gas=V for the shape of a slice=Herman Cain

I hope you won the jackpot during your visit to Lost Wages with me. I know I learned a lot about something and a whole lot of nothing about something else. As long as I'm not sure which is which, I won't get frustrated. Or, as Frankie Valli would say, if "I Made a Fool of Myself" then just trade me in for a "Rag Doll". They always bend over backward for you. And they don't complain...much.
And the next time you're in the desert, beware of large fake bodies of water with elephants drinking by the shore. Even the gondolier will tell you: It's all just a Mirage! 7-7-@ crap, a cherry. So close!

When at The Venetian...Pt. 4

Just as we have witnessed the "Arab Spring", so too now do we come to a Spring of our own in this country--the springing forth of the masses in uprising at the injustices and injuries of our institutions.

SEASON THREE: SPRING
The Crowd was clearly not on board with the various "Occupy" demonstrations around our country and parts of the world.
Mr. Cain, in one of the most tone-deaf statements of the evening, said this: "Wall Street didn't put in failed economic policies, the White House did." Where to start, where to start. Let's do this in shorthand so the computer doesn't seize: Derivatives, Short-selling, Hedge Funds, de-regulation, capital gains tax assessments rather than income tax levies, robo-signing, etc.
Rep. Paul, in another of his many nice, sane, rational moments, replied, "Don't blame the victims." It had been suggested, by Cain, that the White House should be the focus of the protesters' ire, but Paul recommended that they stake out the Federal Reserve. The truth-telling sage continued: "Bail-outs came from both political parties and helped the derivatives people. Middle-class (hey, he said the word!) victims got stuck with the bill."
Mr. Cain keep ringing true to his false tone: "What do the protesters want? Bankers to come down and write them a check?" If you only heard that one line all night from Cain, that should've been enough.
Rep. Paul countered with "nobody's gone to jail over this!" And many, many should.
Gov. Romney then claimed that President Obama has no jobs plan. So what exactly has Cantor's nuts in a vice and just what it is the President is slicing up? Salami?

But nothing gets people as aroused--well, almost nothing--as religion. And this being the first debate since "Pastor" Jeffress of Texas decided that the Mormon religion is a cult, the topic was blowing around like blessed thistle on a desert wind.
The Audience gets kudos here for booing at the word "cult". Certainly a more reasonable crowd than we've had at these fetes so far.
Then Mr. Santorum decided to go off on this, his favorite subject. He urged voters to look at a candidate's values and the teachings of their religion. Not knowing when to leave well enough alone, Santorum added that "the road to salvation is another matter". But he did say that it wasn't applicable to becoming President. That's good. Like we'd spend all this time interviewing and training someone just to have them Raptured on us. Santorum then proceeded to continue his obvious fear of suffixes--he doesn't like anything stuck onto the end of something else (read your Google machine already)--by proclaiming himself to be Catholic, which is fine. Then he said that "Catholic has social teachings" and that "Catholic teaches what's right and what's wrong". What's wrong is that he's talking about "Catholicism". Or maybe he was trying to avoid "plagiars" (plagiarism) or looking like a follower of "socials" (socialism) while affecting certain "manners" (mannerisms)? Whatever it is, if he stays in the race, I'm gonna need a Santorum to English dictionary to keep up.
Mr. Gingrich, and this is why he has a "grinch" in his name, went on to give the most offensive remarks of the entire evening on this subject. He said that for a candidate to remark that "nothing in their faith would affect their judgement" worries him "because how can you have judgement without faith?" I would prefer that those with faith choose not to have judgement of those who are not desirous of it. But it gets worse. "How can I trust you with power if you don't pray?" OMG? You know what, that's about the stupidest, most offensive, most ignorant thing I've heard in a while. I'm going to move along the calendar now before my head completely explodes. But I will say this, comments like that are what gives "organized religion" a bad name.
Gov. Romney, in a much-needed moment of graciousness, did not disappoint. "To choose a person for public office by their religion is the most troubling thing the pastor said, not what he said about my religion." Good for you, Mitt! An adult moment!

Speaking of the Arab Spring...Mr. Cooper put to the candidates the possibility of cutting our defense budget.
Rep. Bachmann, always good for a funny or three, called the recently reported attempt of an act of terror on our soil with the knowledge of the Irani government "he-knee-us". I suppose that's upper Midwest for "heinous"? Then, in the fun, flirty excitement of the Vernal moment, she said that the "President of Iran--she didn't attempt the name--is a genocidal maniac." Other countries do not think well of our country, she explained. Geez, I wonder why not?
Mr. Gingrich told the crowd he was "a hawk, but a cheap hawk". That means he agrees to fly, but does not get his wings from Tiffany's, I guess.
Rep. Paul, who looks amazingly like my grandfather, noted that we already have an Empire that we can not afford. He gave examples of our troop presence in such places as Korea, Germany, and Japan. He said it was time for them to come home.

Who doesn't think Israel when they think of Spring? Mr. Cooper did and took the opportunity to ask those gathered their opinion of Bebe's swap of numerous Palestinian captives for a single Israeli in custody.
Mr. Cain, not exactly the Republican's Joe Biden on affairs of the foreign variety, said simultaneously that "we do not negotiate with terrorists" but he would consider the facts and not rule out a similar swap. When Cooper pointed out that the hypothetical to which he referred had been put to Mr. Cain previously in reference to Al Qaeda, Cain replied, "I don't recall it being about Al Qaeda." "It was," Cooper said.
Mr. Santorum and others put it simply: No negotiations.
But Rep. Paul put it best: "I wanna hear somebody up here willing to cut something real!" The audience swoons, and well they should. If only he was this rational on every subject, I'd lump him into my special sages category with Dennis Kucinich and Bernie Sanders. He's so close sometimes.

And like the great gift of caring for the less fortunate, the warming temperatures, the green sprouts, remind us that Nature always gives back to us those things she made lie sleeping. Should we be so magnanimous with our own dwindling treasure? Let's go to Xenophobia for the answers:
Gov. Perry would have us defund the United Nations, certainly a harsher stance than even John Bolton took--he just wanted to carve off the top floors of the UN's headquarters.
Not to be left off the crazy train, Gov. Romney stated his belief that if we are borrowing money from China to provide humanitarian aid then the Chinese should be helping those people. I sincerely doubt it's that easy, what with the Communism and all. Then he shot me through the wallet with this zinger: "Federal employees can't make more than the private sector people who are paying for them." Okay, let's say this once more: Fine, I'm sure hubby will be glad to work for peanuts (that they won't even serve you on planes anymore) to tell those planes how to avoid running together, nevermind the fact that the longest a controller's career is allowed to span is 26 years. No problem. I'm sure he could stand out in the street and yell at cars to keep them all safe. That pays about $8 an hour. Are you, is your family worth $8 for every hour you fly in a plane safely? I'm thinking that's a low bid. I'm thinking this is one of those cases where you don't want to accept the folks who would take the low bid. I'm just saying...
Oh, Rep. Paul. We get so close together, you and I, then you pull out your teensy Constitution and turn me off, literally. (It's a pun.) "Federal Aid is not Constitutional."
Unless, of course, it's Israel. Rep. Bachmann said we shouldn't cut off aid to "our greatest ally" but that we should "look to Iraq and Libya to reimburse us for liberating them." If I were Jon Stewart and you could see me, this is the part where I pause, stare blankly into the camera, and you laugh...waiting for it. Look, Cheley, you don't make people pay you back for blowing up their entire country and killing hundreds of thousands of their citizens. Why didn't she throw Afghanistan in there, too? We even picked their leader for them. Iraq give us money? What, our own money back? The Heritage Foundation kids lost that for us in the first year of "rebuilding". Seriously, am I missing something here? If a doctor operates on me and "liberates me" from being alive, will I have to pay the bill plus damages to him for the time he spent not saving my life? I think I'll go liberate some doves from crapping on my deck, too.
And since we're talking doctors...Paging Dr. Freud: Mr. Cain just had to come back to that whole hostage swap thing. Poor man tried so hard to clear up his flip-flops that he messed up and told the truth. "I haven't said I would let the hostages in Guantanamo Bay go." A slice of the truth, Godfather!
Rep. Paul didn't miss his cue: "The prisoners in Guantanamo Bay are suspects who haven't been charged with anything." Boos rang forth. And he also vexed the audience when he asked if his fellow candidates "would condemn Reagan for trading arms for hostages with the Iran-Contra fiasco." The man has a way of making a point. He also has a way of missing quite a few of them, sadly.

The flowers of the GOP field have blossomed, painting the landscape as vibrant as a Navajo blanket. The desert has become very hot, but the evening isn't over. We have yet to enjoy Summer. And since Summer is high season for campaigning before next year's general election, the candidates are going to tell us how they intend to beat President Obama. So pack your picnic basket and pitch your tent, the final edition of this series is coming your way. Can I share your blanket? The sand in my hourglass is running down...

When at The Venetian...Pt.3

Just as sure as the forecasters are predicting a blizzard here next week, it was bound to turn into frosty Winter at last night's debate.

SEASON #2: WINTER
From the snowy white head of Anderson Cooper came the first question of the dormant season: Border fencing.
Mr. Cain had made some electrifying references to the issue over the weekend and did not back away from them, but said he would have his fence, use technology, and "possibly" include boots on the ground. Wouldn't people just step over those?
Rep. Bachmann, perhaps short on tire chains, kept her focus on the low road citing President Obama's aunt and uncle who've been said to be illegals. Then, in a rare nod to being "green"--and it's not easy, ask Kermit--Bachmann committed to building a "double-walled fence along the entire southern border". That insulation should help us save some of the $113 billion per year that she says we spend on illegal immigrants (who says they don't get the good jobs?!) or $1,000 per American household per year.
Gov. Perry's response was that sure, "you can build it" but it would take 10-15 years to complete at a cost of around $30 billion. Rather than do that, he recommended creating "virtual defense zones"--which should mesh well with our "virtual Legislative Branch" and our "virtual policies on Energy, Education, and the Economy"--which would be comprised of strategic fencing (my kid took that course last year in P.E.) and boots on the ground which would use information provided by predator drones. Not the actual shoes of course, the people in the boots would...anyway, now that rift between the Govs during the Fall was about to show its staying power.
Gov. Romney howled like the cold wind at Perry's assertion that he had the most experience in dealing with border security. "You say you have experience, Governor Perry, but a college coach who's lost 40 games has the experience to go to the NFL."

A Latino man in the audience stood up to ask the candidates how they would attract voters from his community.
Rep. Bachmann decided this was the time to mention the threat of "anchor babies" and to talk 14th Amendment concerns.
Rep. Paul waxed philosophical about the individual being the building block of society.
And that's all it took to light a warming campfire under Mr. Santorum, who said that no, it was the family that was that all-important building block. He addressed the questioner, saying that the Latino community had always held strongly the tenets of "family, faith, and community". "The Latino community is big on faith and marriage," he added. What is with this dude and marriage? If he's such a fan you'd think he'd have Newt's nuptial record bested by now.
Rep. Paul fired back with one of his greatest lines of the evening:--and there were a good many by my reckoning--"Freedoms don't come in groups; they come to the individual." Then he asked again if we might please bring home the troops.

Our next topic, being that the debate was in Nevada, was about the nuclear variety of Winter always possible when you consider the half-life of plutonium or uranium. Mr. Cooper wanted our gamblers to let the Nevada crowd know what they'd do about the nuclear waste dump site at the state's Yucca Mountain.
Rep. Paul took the lead and had nearly everyone in agreement when he said that "Forty-Nine states should not punish one state." He favored letting the free market (a pretty concept like the Easter Bunny and Used Food) handle the situation and getting the government out of the subsidizing business of all forms of energy.
Gov. Romney agreed and explained a process by which states could submit bids to take on the nuclear refuse in exchange for a list of demands. I can guess right now which states will get the waste, can you?
Gov. Perry also agreed with Paul, mentioned that France operates its energy grid on 70% nuclear fuels which it then "makes safer" to dispose of by the process of glassification--just what it sounds like, high heat, new compound, hopeful burial. Then Perry hauled out his beloved 10th Amendment ("States' Rights"--though usual they're wrongs) and promised he also would disallow government subsidies of energy.

With the sun gone as low in the sky as it could and the waning days of post-Imbolc Winter upon us, our wagerers took on, ever so briefly, the topic of declining property values and foreclosures. And in the biggest city of the worst-hit state in the nation when it comes to foreclosures, they pretty much told the crowd to just let the chips fall where they may. Two rouletters hit their numbers.
Gov. Romney, who had taken some unseasonal heat over his comments on this prior to the debate, said again that we should "let the markets work" and that "getting the economy going" was the best thing we could hope to do for those underwater or already drowned. Then he chided President Obama for offering rebates to people for trading in their cars to purchase new ones. (Ask any auto worker in Michigan who creates 8 jobs in his/her community for every one job they keep how "Cash for Clunkers" worked out.) Romney also blasted the President for his first-time home buyers credit initiative. (Ask my real estate lady and everyone with whom she trades about that one.)
Rep. Bachmann then consulted her notes in order to check off one more box on her must-do list. Since Perry had mentioned New Hampshire, and Huntsman was in New Hampshire, it seemed a good idea to have a New Hampshire moment. Bachmann channelled Hillary Clinton, circa the eve of the last New Hampshire primary. She went all teary-eyed, broke down the wall between the viewer and the viewed and made a plea on behalf of the mothers. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a Frank Zappa reference. She explained that women facing foreclosure are at the end of their rope because they are faced with the reality of losing "the nest they have for their kids". Then she pointed to the spot on her forehead where the tattoo reads, "I'm a Mom" and promised to do...ya' know, something.

In our next installment we usher in the fury of the change that occurs between the lion and the lamb--the American Spring. Everything inspired or inspiring--from Occupy Wall Street, to religion, to defending our nation, to hostage negotiating and aid to foreign countries will be hiding in the grass for us to discover. All those eggs will be in the next basket of goodies, or Part 4. Spring forward!

When at The Venetian...Pt. 2

Meanwhile, back on the canal boat...

SEASON #1: FALL
Given the meteoric rise of a pizza man, Anderson Cooper delivered the first question of the evening, asking all the candidates their opinion of a national sales tax (that last of Cain's three 9s.)
Rep. Bachmann conjured her money muse, calling on "Reagan's Economic Miracle" as the foundation for her desire to eliminate the current tax code (oh-kay). She added that if everyone benefits (I'm looking at you Mr. or Ms. $7500.00 per year), then everyone should pay something, "even if it's a dollar". Of course if you mail in the thing that's another .44c at least, and if you file electronically you have to purchase the software and pay for the electricity to fire up the computer. That dollar is really worth something now! Oh, and that "miracle" to which she alludes? In that regard President Reagan was much luckier than President Nixon. Blowing up the national debt and cheating: Everyone does it, but Reagan escaped the notice of the "fiscal conservatives" and does for the most part to this day. They fault President Bush the Second Coming with all of our financial crisis. Nixon got caught, Reagan didn't.
Gov. Perry, in a nod to either New Hampshire, Jon Huntsman, or both informed his "Brother", Mr. Cain, that since the Granite State has no sales tax they'd probably not want to add one. Then Perry uttered his standby position: "I'll have a tax plan out by the end of the week." Does he think these debates are for assigning homework? Shouldn't he show up with his plans already formed?
Rep. Paul said he couldn't go along with the idea of a national sales tax because the federal income tax should be replaced with...NOTHING.
Mr. Santorum cited the Tax Policy Center's study of Cain's 9-9-9 plan which found that under said plan 84% of the population would pay more. Then he explained his bizarre version of the purpose of a tax code. "A tax code should encourage people to have children," the Former Senator said. And where does that leave romance? Then he warned of the consequences of Cain's proposal: "When they instituted the V.A.T. in Europe birth rates dropped." I suppose Mr. Santorum thinks that not "one" but seven billion is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.

Then it got interesting. Just as leaves turn their backs on the sun--and therefore chlorophyll--and don their colorful funereal frocks, so other things red, gold, and orange command our attention.
Gov. Romney harvested some details from Mr. Cain about his previous complaint that during this discussion the candidates were comparing apples and oranges. Romney correctly identified the fact that some states already assess taxes and that would seem to go against Mr. Cain's assertion that his "9-9-9" plan would replace all of the current "hidden taxes" in the code. "So if the states' taxes stay--and they're the apples--then I'm gonna get a bushel basket of both apples and oranges." Then he added, "So Gov. Perry was right about your plan, Herman."
When the question of the wisdom of Gov. Romney's plan was put to the contenders, Gov. Perry informed Mr. Cooper that the 9 we should be concerned about was the 9% unemployment number. Then he told the dirty little story about the 300 years of resources under our feet. "That's 1.2 million jobs!"
Mr. Santorum favored the unusual approach of rewarding the economic evil-doers by offering a 0% tax rate for the manufacturing base to return the $1.2 trillion they hold off-shore if they reinvest it here. So you take the jobs away, you save money. You bring the same jobs back, and we'll save you some more.
That'll teach 'em to fear the "mighty Unions" and the "overseeing Regulators"! Uh-huh.

The Fall season now turned to one of discontent when the topic devolved to health care. Now instead of falling leaves, we had "boos" raining down from the seated throng. Mr. Santorum accused Gov. Romney of not getting the costs down in his state of Massachusetts under his health care plan. As Gov. Romney attempted to give his response, Santorum constantly interrupted until time had elapsed, saying, "You're out of time". The audience was audibly upset with that tactic.
Gov. Romney then admitted as much--that he had been unsuccessful in lowering costs--but added, "I know how to get costs down". That must be one of those thingies that work better on the national level than at the state level, or the opposite of universal coverage, according to Mitt. Then he went on to rile up the resident reptile, Newt of the desert. "We got the idea for the individual mandate from you, Newt," Romney claimed.
Mr. Gingrich was very angered by this and if he'd been a lizard of a different color, his neck would've exploded in a vibrant, puffy show. The only way to calm him down was for Romney to add, "you and The Heritage Foundation", which seemed to satisfy the offended creature.
Back from a fresh batch of numbers shopping, Mr. Cain instructed everyone to refer to HR 3400 to see what he would do about health care.
And Rep. Paul clarified the whole "opt out" concept with, "Let the American people opt out of government management of medicine".
Gov. Perry lauded the Texas health care system as being one of the best in the world. It seems there's a hospital in Houston that employs a lot of people. That's nice. Hope they have a parking garage and a doctors' lounge. He explained that the state's large number of uninsured is directly related to that 1,200 mile border Texas shares with Mexico. Then, since that gave him entree into the world of immigration, he attempted to slam Romney for "hiring illegals and knowing about it for a year" before letting them go. Romney said he'd never hired an illegal in his life. Then they both attempted to speak simultaneously about who was the hypocrite and who was lying. At this point the "boo birds" chose to hang around rather than fly South just yet.
Gov. Romney offered a thorny olive branch to his fellow Governor saying, "This has been a tough couple of debates for Rick so he's gonna get testy". Then they lobbed the "tuition credits for illegals" versus "what the lawn company contractor knew" back and forth a bit until Romney felt the need to give Perry a free education of his own: "If you want to become President, you've got to let both people speak." Romney then left the conversation with a promise to institute an E-verify system to catch falsified documentation so that such occurrences would become a thing of the past and Perry was left looking for a way out of the weeds of that ill-fated lawn argument.

And time marches on. In Part 3 we will move into the Cold War Winter of immigration, Latinos, and nuclear waste. Gosh, there was something else in there that leaves people out in the cold, now what was it? Oh yeah. The Lucky Seven spent about a minute or two discussing foreclosures in the foreclosure capital of the nation. Because they care. Stay tuned. Next installment coming up shortly.

When at The Venetian...Pt. 1

Last evening the GOP "Presidential" Contenders gathered by the canals of Venice, threw back some whine, and attempted to each feed the other crow on red and white (and blue) checked tablecloths. Or perhaps that was a dream and The Lucky Seven were just rolling the bones in the desert--hoping to come up with snake eyes on their opponents--surely shooting "crap".

The Western Republican Presidential Debate was held at Las Vegas' Venetian Resort, aired by CNN, and moderated by that network's affable Anderson Cooper. (Full disclosure: I was an Aaron Brown girl.) And while it would be easy pickin's to launch into a bit about the Repubs being at the site of a Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum, I chose to--and Aaron would be pleased--dig a little deeper.

I passed up two of The Venetian's three currently running shows--Blue Man Group (low-hanging fruits there, and yes, that's a double entendre) and Phantom--because again, the comparisons with the GOP field are just too easy to make.

Instead, I'm going with door number three, Jersey Boys, a show chronicling the careers of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. The Venetian offers the following in its caveat about the show which aptly describes last night's performance as well: "Contains smoke, gun shots, and strobe lights. Not recommended for children under 12".

So let's meet our gamblers in true Valli style!
Michele "'Chele-y" Bachmann: Chele-y baby did come out last night, crowing herself as the candidate most opposite of President Obama. (She is a white woman and the President's wife spells her first name with two "L"s, so I suppose she's right.)
Herman "Big Fence, Might Fry" Cain: No, no, he won't cry. When Herman wasn't bashing the Occupy Wall Street movement, he claimed to be Mr. Main Street.
Willard Mitt "I'm the Electable Dude" Romney: Just too good to be true, Governor Romney couldn't take his eyes off of positioning himself as the Arbiter of Rules for Running for the Office of POTUS. (Just ask the oth Guv.)
Rick "I've Got a Plan" Perry: Talks like a man about the new policy he will come up with at the end of the week of any particular debate in which he is asked a question he doesn't want to answer. Other Gover called himself the "authentic conservative" in the race, but did not pull down his pants to show us the proof. I can only assume that he must've needed the approval of the Texas Conservative Brand Inspector's Office because hey, branding is how they do it in the Lone Star State.
Newt "Swear There's a God" Gingrich: The X-man--ex-wives, ex-Speaker of the House--said that if you're not swearin' to god then you cannot be president. He went on to describe himself as a "cheap hawk". Do hawk swear, scream, or squalk?
Ron "Vote For Me, the Fed is Through" Paul: Representative Paul is the Freedom Fighter with a burning love (of The Constitution) inside. He promised not to let it slip away. He'll be praying everyday.
Rick "Oh, That's Not Right" Santorum: Sweet surrender, what a night! The former Senator has now elected himself the President of Pennsylvania, saying that he's the only one in the running who can win that state and you have to win it. Because the White House is on Pennsylvania Avenue? He knows that's in D.C., right?
Supporting Characters: the spirit of Ronald "Ronnie" Reagan, Gov. Chris "Big Man in Town" Christie wasn't in town, the "Dawn, Go Away" audience who booed any attempts to put daylight between one Republican and another, Jon "Who Loves You" Huntsman who was also not in town but rather off spending his evening in New Hampshire in a show of solidarity with the Granite State's history of political firstitude but also realizing that's the only place that could help him through the night. Oh, and Wayne Newton was in attendance as well as some chick in a tiara.

Picture our players on stage, seated at the blackjack table, I mean standing by their podiums, ready to place their bets. They exchange handshakes, they smile and wave, one man grabs his heart, only symbolically we hope. The lights go down, the sound comes up, and the nice man with the most uncomfortable laugh in journalism takes to the airwaves...

Later today, in Part Two, we will delve into what happens next in Vegas.

Tomorrow's News & Anagrams!

Full debate coverage on its way!
Tune in Wednesday morning (MDT) to see how the setting matches the characters. "When in The Venetian" will give you all the highlights of last night's contest.

Did you spot Wayne Newton in the crowd?
Who accidentally told the truth?
Who tried for a "Hillary Moment"?
Who doesn't get "Occupy" the most?
Who just alienated an entire segment of the population?
Who uttered the funniest mispronunciation?
Who hates "isms"?
What warning did the venue issue to its audience?
Who in attendance promoted a one-state strategy?
Who said something nice about France?

Find all 10 answers to those questions and more in the upcoming post.

For now, use these anagrams of "Las Vegas" to identify the debaters:
"Gas Salve"
"Ass Gavel"--that's too easy!
"Save gals"
"Seals Avg"
"Val's Sage"
"A Veg, alas"
"Sale: 'V' gas"

Super Tuesday Schedule

Well I'm off. Obviously.

Lemme re-start. I'm off to save the world again today. You're wel--come! But I'll have something to say about tonight's "Western Republican CNN Debate" once all the firing has ceased. (Good thing I'm not talking about the unemployment rate or we'd be here for a while.)

But I'll leave you with this: So in one national election cycle we've gone from the possibility that favoring a border fence could keep you out of office to the potential that favoring erecting a killer, electric border fence might get you elected? Really, 'Pubs? That's your "pro-lifers" for ya!

Insane in the mem-Cain!

Cockeyed Gazette: The Good News Edition

Well dear readers, we're back from our fact-finding mission in (your town here), and ready to dig in to today's headlines!

POLITICS


(Dateline: Washington, DC) For the July-October campaign funds reporting period, GOP Contender Willard Mitt Romney is clocking in with $1.5 million from Wall Street contributors. For the same period, President Barack Obama is coming in at just over $270,000 from that same contingent. And that is Good News!


(Dateline: a barn in Tennessee) GOP Frontrunner Herman Cain believes he will remain atop the--and the crawl put it this way--"GOP fields". Now, we don't know what they're growing in those fields exactly, but we hope they are in a sharing mood. Because that would be Good News!


(Dateline: the set of MSNBC's "Morning Joe") Dr. Jeffrey Sachs of the Earth Institute reports that Mr. Cain has received financial backing and policy advice from David Koch for five years. This brings up the possibility of dragging the Brothers Koch (not dissimilar from the Brothers Grimm) out of the shadows and into the light of voters' eyes. And that is Good News!


ECONOMY


(Dateline: House of Representatives) Republican Rep. Kevin McCarthy, the House Whip, wants those nasty regulations to stop hindering so many of our vital necessities and services with red tape. He says we should study, among other things, how long it takes for drugs to receive FDA approval here versus how long the process takes in other countries. But if the GOP is also in favor of tort reform, what will happen to all the lawyers we'll need for all those extra class action law suits when the flood of hastily-approved drugs sickens and kills all those pill poppers? JOB KILLER!! But then again, what would we do for TV commercials? Maybe something much more entertaining might come along? And that is Good News!


Wall Street Definition of the Day-- "Toxic Derivatives": today's version of "Snake Oil"

WORLD NEWS


(Dateline: Bhutan) Over the weekend the Dragon King took a lovely young, commoner bride, and after their incense-clouded ceremony, the royal couple walked most of the day, shaking hands with their countrymen. Turns out in Bhutan, they measure their country's success by an indicator known as the GNH. What's that? Gross National Happiness. That should please the Occupy Wall Street protester wielding the "We have the Right to be Happy!" sign. And that's Good News!


(Dateline: Planet Earth) By the end of October, the world's population estimate will be 7 billion people. Welcome to the neighborhood! Seven's a lucky number, right? If it is, then that's Good News!


SPORTS


(Dateline: Detroit) Jim Harbaugh wins our award for coolness as well as subtlety this week. During his little dust-up with Detroit Lions Coach Jim Schwartz, the San Francisco 49ers coach's lips could clearly be read. He was saying...uh-oh..."Get out of my face, get out of my face." See, that's what a few years at Stanford does for the soul. In the post game press conference, Harbaugh, very straight-faced, got off a great one at Schwartz' expense: "That was on me." He went on to give the names of two other people with whom he'd just had handshakes, then added: "...big handshake there." Ouch! Being that good at killing 'em with kindness is Good News!


ENTERTAINMENT


(Dateline: At a theater near you) The results from this weekend's box office tally gives us reason to cheer and to have continuing faith in humanity. The new star vehicle for Steve Martin, Owen Wilson, and Jack Black--we'll just refer to it as "For the Birds"--came in at a disappointing ninth place with about $3.1 million in revenue. It is already on track to possibly be the flop of the year. We could tell from the trailer that this one was nothing but a vehicle and one surely bound for the ditch of "straight to DVR". This is proof positive that the masses are not asses and that is Good News!


(Dateline: Bill's Birthday Bash) Lady Gaga--blessed is She--performed for Former President (the Great) Bill Clinton this weekend as part of his 65th birthday celebration. She was inspired, he was charmed, the Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton was amused, and daughter Chelsea was visibly embarrassed. An all around great evening, for sure. Bill's looking great and is still the smartest guy in the room and that is Good News!


(Dateline: the U.S. Supreme Court) Princeton Professor (and one of the greatest creatures walking the Earth) Dr. Cornel West, or "Brother Cornel", was arrested this weekend during a protest held at the Supreme Court building in Washington, D.C. He must be doing something right. Perhaps too, we'll get a wonderful new jazz ensemble album out of the event from "Cornel and the Supremes". And that would be Good News!


WEATHER


(Dateline: you are here) Imagine if the letters B and G were to switch roles in a weather forecast. Maybe if the Bee Gees were The Weathermen? The outlook would be for a "greezy (greasy) afternoon" with "glowing" winds. We would like to see that...just once. For the long-term outlook we'll delve into typesetting history and wonder about our Ps and Qs. And if you can figure out a good one for that, then that is Good News!


That's it for all the news that fits. Hope you'll all join us back here soon, and until then remember our motto: "If it's cockeyed, it's probably newsworthy to someone."

From Whining to Winning!

Well even with my longshots, I managed to go 21-5 for NCAA Week Seven!
My losers were: Baylor, Navy (told you that would be a good game), Texas ("on paper" beats me--guess I'm "under rock" then), Georgia Tech, and South Florida. Not too shabby. And I needed some good news after yesterday, eh??

Some random and somewhat humorous stray thoughts (I must keep feeding them because they keep coming around):
1. One of my very dearest people in all the world tells me that there is such a thing as a "Pole Dancing Ministry". (And he ain't talking about a cabinet office in British Government.) As I tried to come up with visuals for this, I had to ask myself, "What is their motto?" I came up with these options--"Baring our Souls for You", "We Witness, You Witness", "Stripping to the Scriptures", and "Holy, Holy, Poley".
2. I am not ashamed to lick the plate clean in a restaurant if the sauce is that good.
3. "Two Mormons walk into a debate..." It's a work-in-progress.
4. Is Herman Cain's Chief Economic Advisor really just the dude down at the Wells-Fargo branch?
5. The word "touchdown" is being taken way too literally. Though this has bothered me for quite some time, today's Lions/49ers game was my last straw. Lemme get this straight: A guy just whispers the edge of a single molecule of the ball across the plane of the endzone with his body in any position except completely prostrate and it's a touchdown, but a guy can catch the ball, get two (or more) footsteps solidly inside the endzone, fall with the ball cradled against his body, roll over, have the ball come out in the process and this is ruled an incomplete pass. Am I missing anything here? This disparity drives me bonkers. Either both are touchdowns or both are close, but no cigar. I hope the interpretation of these rules is studied if not reformed. Because I can tell you, if I dive into a pool or fall into one I'm gonna get just as wet.

Now if they'd just go ahead and assess an illegal block in the back penalty on every punt and kickoff, I'd appreciate it.

What's the Sound of One Heart Breaking?

It feels like I fell asleep and woke up in someone else's life.

I don't like it. Too much crying, too much pain.

Maybe as a writer I can come to appreciate the unexpected twists and turns, but right now I'm just suffering from motion sickness. Goldie knows how I feel. You see Goldie--whose actual name is Swimmy, but I guess I have her mixed up with another goldfish--is losing her fins. They look like lacey little bones denuded of their purposefulness. She eats, swims, poops, and all that good stuff, but unless the filter swirls her around, she is operating without a rudder. And now so am I.

I really am too paranoid to get into the facts--if there are any--but needless to say I too have been stripped of my rudder: My history, my sense of who I've been. I'm a victim of an identity theft from within the circled wagons. I've been given my marching orders and they are this: Get lost!

And what have I done to merit such a request? I tried to help someone. I tried to help someone who obviously did not want to be helped. I found that out too late. The damage was done. I was asked into a situation then summarily dismissed for having answered that call.

None of this seemed possible just a few hours ago and it is so surreal that if I was able to sleep, I'd think it was some nightmare foisted upon me by too much spicy food. And like a bad meal, a seminal element of my life has been flushed down the toilet. I am undone, unwanted, and unwelcome. I've had to forget a phone number I've known all my life.

I'm reading this now--in black-and-white--and I still don't believe it's true. I wonder if people know the power they have when they empty their words, their fears, their anxieties onto another person. I wonder if they know that their legacy is forever set in the stone cold pain of one night's events. One night that hurts more than all 10 years of the bullying I suffered through in school.

Sometimes you just have to take care of the people under your own roof. It goes against my nature, but I'm afraid that at times that's the way things have to be. "Don't go where you aren't invited," the Native American ancestors say. And I would add, think long and hard about stepping in even when you are invited, even begged.

Be nice to the people around you and be someone they can trust and count upon. Forgive them the little (and not so little) pains of the past as I have done, repeatedly. There will always be tiffs and tussles, but there should never be irrevocable damage done in the name of "autonomy".

I'm grieving tonight because sometimes people die without ever leaving, and sometimes in so doing, they leave us a little less alive.

Football Follies: Week 7

You'll just have to take my word for it that last week--when I was 30,000 feet away from the blogosphere--I did really well with my pick 'ems.
This week you'll have proof. Here are my 26 picks for Week Seven, winners in ALL CAPS as usual.

Saturday's Games:

*Indiana @ WISCONSIN
*Michigan @ MICHIGAN STATE (I dunno, just a "feeling".)
*BAYLOR @ Texas A&M (RG3 beats GOP#3's alma mater. Still fancy you unexplainably, Gov. Perry.)
*Purdue@ PENN STATE
*UTAH @ Pittsburgh (Bit of a toss up, that.)
*SOUTH CAROLINA @ Mississippi State (Edythe says so.)
*MIAMI @ North Carolina
*NAVY @ Rutgers (Could really go either way and should be a good game.)
*FLORIDA STATE @ Duke
*LSU @ Tennessee
*Oklahoma State @ TEXAS (Okay, I know. I'm not sure Texas will win, I just don't think Mack Brown is willing to have them lose this one. On paper...yada yada. This and Mich State are my long limb games.)
*GEORGIA TECH @ Virginia
*OHIO STATE @ Illinois (Again, on paper. But I don't think Ohio State will let this one get away. We'll see. Add this one to my other "risky" picks.
*SOUTH FLORIDA @ Connecticut
*Colorado @ WASHINGTON (It would be sweet to pick CU...hey, maybe. It is possible, I mean look at how they played with...Yeah sure. Wait 'til next decade!!)
*BYU @ Oregon State
*ALABAMA @ Mississippi
*BOISE STATE @ Colorado State (Rams may go on the endangered species list after this one.)
*VIRGINIA TECH @ Wake Forest
*CLEMSON @ Maryland
*KANSAS STATE @ Texas Tech (Shoulda never fired Mikey...)
*Florida @ AUBURN
*GEORGIA @ Vanderbilt (Gotta go with that "on paper" bit every now and again.)
*STANFORD @ Washington State (The Cougs are good this year so don't let 'em slip up on you, The Cardinal! Shake, shake you crazy old Tree! When my kid doesn't "grow up" he wants to be in the Stanford Band, and for that I am as proud as hell! Hey, he may even decide to go to college........)
*OKLAHOMA @ Kansas (Poor birdies--what a lousy season. It'll be over soon.)
*Arizona State @ OREGON (Autzen will be quacking--Cheerio, Ducks!)

Table: The Motion Picture

First, let's meet our cast. (Play your own movie trailer music in your head now.)

MICHELE BACHMANN--Studied the facts and practiced staring calmly at a spot.

RICK SANTORUM--The spot. Also, much improved and more effective.

NEWT GINGRICH--Angry old nut.

JON HUNTSMAN--Mr. Uninspiring.

RICK PERRY--Not at all sure where to look. Hunched over and withered.

HERMAN CAIN--The Green Candidate: Can recycle 2008 McCain signs for 2012; keeps his answers short and his plans simple, only has his 9-9-9.

MITT ROMNEY--Looked like he'd run a few board meetings before as he commanded the table. Seemed to audition Michele Bachmann for VP with a softball question.

RON PAUL--Oh, I forgot he was there. Sad little troll.

And here are their credentials:

MICHELE BACHMANN--Shout outs to her followers with her two favorite numbers: 28 (for her number of kids), and 666 (the mark of the Cain Beast when 9-9-9 is turned upside down). Said our kids will pay 75% tax if we don't cut spending. Claims that President Obama mumbled to her about Medicare one summer.

RICK SANTORUM--Said the word "cool". Took extra time with an answer because he'd only gotten one question up to that point. Laid out a terrific argument for supporting gay marriage: Households with one wage-earner have 30% poverty rate while those with 2 wage-earners have only a 5% poverty rate. He said we should support families and marriage, so let's see him prove it!

NEWT GINGRICH--Said Sister Sarah was right about the Death Panels and that we should be willing to jail former and sitting Congressmen, namely Chris Dodd and Barney Frank. Said "Washington is stupid." Called President Obama's press conferences "apologies in disguise." Explained that there are two types of people at the Occupy Wall Street protests: Leftwing agitators who dump their trash and decent responsible citizens with things in common with the Tea Party who pick up their trash. Oh-kay.

JON HUNTSMAN--Thinks his dad would make a great economic advisor. Can any of you say this and mean it? Would get rid of all loopholes and deductions for individuals immediately but would phase them out for corporations. Hum. Also said you can tell who has a job by the "dignity on their face."

RICK PERRY--Reminds us that he became a Republican at a younger age than did Ronald Reagan. Not sure I would brag about that. Favors the old drill, baby drill "bit"--I made a fossil fuel funny! Oh, Rick made a funny, too. He said we had our Revolution in the 16th Century. Renaissance, Revolution: they're oh so similar. Wants us not to worry about whether we're going to follow "this policy or that." Thinks states shouldn't have to ask "Mother, may I?" of the federal government before taking action. See Rick secede? Says people want to know what the candidates are going to do to create jobs and he will tell us real soon.

HERMAN CAIN--The answer is always 9-9-9. How do you cut through the gridlock in Washington, Herman? "9-9-9." "It's not about what you can pass but what's bold." Assumes the Wall Street protesters have no jobs. Thought Alan Greenspan did a heckuva job. Was "po" before he was "poor". Got aggravated when the Bloomberg lady asked him why we should add a 9% sales tax when his plan would, according to a Bloomberg study, still come up with a shortfall. He said that was wrong. She then asked why should folks pay more for groceries even if his plan was revenue neutral: Not getting any savings, not adding any revenue--just paying more for groceries. Herman pointed out that those folks would be paying 6% less in taxes and could use that money to purchase as they see fit. Remember, used goods aren't taxed, he told her. Does he want us to buy "used groceries??"

RON PAUL--When he did speak, he was angry that Mr. Cain had called him and his followers "ignorant". Herman said he never did. Ron was not satisfied. Then he guffawed at Cain's characterization of Greenspan's tenure at the Fed: "Alan Greenspan was a disaster!" Then it got all weird, again. The little man started in on his irrational fear of b-words. "We are diseased by booms and bubbles!" And he added, "Greenspan ushered in the biggest bubble!" But in a fit of clarity Paul reminded us that the Republicans had messed a lot of things up too and no doubt had passed some of their own bills that should be repealed.

MITT ROMNEY--Mitt had a terrific night which began with a terrific day as he secured the Robin to his Batman, the endorsement of Chris Christie. With the Fat Man in his pocket, Jake set out to bring this whole race home for good. And I personally think that three of his answers were so well-delivered that in fact he did just that. I call them the knife, the fork, and the spoon. In reverse order and in all their glory, I give you Mitt's shining silverware:
The Spoon: Herman Cain tried to hang Mitt with his 59 point, 160 page plan, calling it too complicated. Mitt, with all the charm of a viper, talked about his own great honor to have been able to solve such problems before. "While a simple answer is convenient, it isn't always adequate." Then using one stone to knock off both Cain and Perry, Mitt said that our economic salvation was not just about the tax system nor energy, "but I address those too." He went on to lay out the seven basic pillars of his 59 point plan. Oooooohhhhh! No he didn't.
The Fork:Poor little Jon Huntsmen took a misguided swipe at Mitt, questioning whether in fact he was a job-creator. Mitt rolled off the names of businesses he's helped start including Staples and Sports Authority. Then out came the fork: "I wouldn't be in this race if I'd spent my whole life in politics alone, although there's nothing wrong with that." Super ouch! Poor Mr. Ambassador.
The Knife:Having just seen these take-downs, you'd think all the contenders would realize that it was Mitt's night. But not Mr. Perry. He took after Mr. Romney like he was a coyote out for a jog. And it got gory, fast. Texas Rick decided it was time to bring out the specter of "Romneycare" to send Mitt back into the shadows. Out came the kitchen sink: "In Massachusetts 8% of our population was not insured and we changed that. We didn't change things for the 92%. President Obama's healthcare plan takes over all of those too. Chris Christie (see how he worked that in) said today that Obamacare "spends an extra trillion, raises taxes, and cuts Medicare". Then, on the bottom of the sink, there sat the knife, glinting in the spotlight of the stage. Romney went in for the kill. "In Massachusetts we had the least number of uninsured children and in Texas, you had the most uninsured children." At this point Perry tried to interrupt, but Romney was having none of it. "I'm still speaking," he rattled off three times. Then he continued, "We have less than 1% of our kids uninsured and you have one million kids uninsured." He pointed out that the numbers of uninsured decreased under George Bush but went back up under Rick Perry. Then, to bring the point home (or twist the knife--you choose), Romney said "Massachusetts favors my healthcare law by 3-1, but I'm not running for Governor of Massachusetts." Headline: Perry Parried.
Lord Mitt also gave us a sneak peek into his version of "Genesis"--not the Phil Collins kind, not even the Peter Gabriel variety, but rather the first chapter in his political creation story:
On Day One--Mitt will offer waivers of Obamacare to all 50 states
On Day Two--Mitt will repeal Obamacare
On Day Three--Mitt will begin paying for everyone's operations??

There were a few cameos last night as well:

George W. Bush--Shown speaking on April 26, 2004, the ex-Prez lauded the rise to 68% home ownership, the highest in the country's history. He said this was "exciting for the future". Which reminds me of that most auspicious fortune-cookie fortune: "May you live in interesting times."

Audience Lady--Asked the panel how they would go about getting banks to lend to small businesses. Charlie Rose asked her to whom she wanted to pose her question, and the lady replied that she was told to ask it of Charlie. Mitt chimed in "Give her the answer, Charlie."

Random Screaming Dude--I have no idea what he was on about. He waited until nearly the very last question before beginning his outburst, making all those folks who'd bet on another crazy audience have to sweat it out right till the end. No worries there.

Speaking of ad libbing, our stars gave us some new ways to say "deregulation"!! Huntsman gave us: "Freedom in the marketplace." Santorum offered up: "pro-manufacturing." And Perry called for another one of those 16th Century Revolutions with his "Declaration of Energy Independence." Catchy, ain't it?

The predictions:
1. Romney will pick between Chris Christie, Herman Cain, and Michele Bachmann for VP.
2. Rick Santorum, Jon Huntsman, and Newt Gingrich are toast.
3. Ron Paul is toast but doesn't know it yet. He's too busy dodging those bubbles!
4. Rick Perry is not toast, but he really needs to find something he's good at and soon. Or he could get a really big endorsement, (Insert crass Christie joke here.)

Table Manners

Tonight the GOPers will all sit down together with Charlie Rose to have a civilized debate. Teeheehee...yeah, right. The dog-and-ponies show will visit Dartmouth because as we all know, New Hampshire is big--but only in primary politics.

This should be a fun one, and I will give my insights as soon as they become available.

5 People I Need to Work For Me

I don't need the type of hired help that many people long for: house cleaners, schedulers, errand runners, nor kid transporters. I need people to help me clear my head of all the foolishness I force myself to keep up with.  Here are the ones I need the most. (Applications will be taken tomorrow.)

1. Mail Reviewer--In a fit of nostalgia last year I subscribed to nearly a dozen magazines. It was nice for a while, and I enjoyed them. Then the piles of dog-earred, book-marked volumes began to grow. I need someone to go through all the old magazines and organize all those "great ideas" and "future plans" into something I actually stand a chance of getting around to. This lovely person would also be responsible for sorting the incoming mail, combing through the debris of an over-stimulated world for the few useful nuggets of originality.

2. Battery Analyst--This person's never-ending job would be to scan my environs for batteries, separating those that are new from the duds. They would also need to know exactly when any battery in my environment was about to give out. Then, of course, they would produce said battery and perform the replacement operation. Brilliant.

3. Lightbulbs and 4. Leftovers--See #2.

5. (And this is actually the most important of the lot.) Medical Headlines Scrutinizer--There are so many "new studies" and "revised recommendations" and "exploratory drugs" that I cannot possibly keep up. This person would identify, isolate, and research all claims and present me only with those credible crumbs that survive review.

Here's my inspiration for #5: Today's newscasts and web headlines feature the following work of the University of Minnesota as provided to them by the Iowa Women's Study: "Older women who take vitamins and minerals have a 2.4% increased chance of death." That's it, I call bullshit! Look, 2.4% of those women could have fallen on the way to the medicine cabinet. And 2.4 % of those women could have choked when the pills went "down the wrong pipe". I say 2.4% of those women could have gotten into car accidents driving to the store to buy their supplements. Come on already: This is stupid!

And I'll bet if I had a Medical Headlines Scrutinizer I would find I could go a lot longer in between my own trips to buy more acetaminophen! E-gad...

Starting Out on the Right Foot

I have a new friend, whom I will likely never see again, called Joe.

Joe is a swell guy and a sailor who lives on Amelia Island. He and I happened to be seated together on a plane last weekend--he was coming off of a funeral, I was going to check on my aging parents. We struck up a conversation and then a friendship. By the time we'd arrived at our layover destination, we were having lunch together and looking at pictures on each others' phones. It was a lovely way to start a sudden and stress-probable journey.

But armed with the good fellowship of that first leg of my flight, I struck out on a positive note. I felt a genuine empathy and connection with everyone I saw and spoke to. I assumed the best and for the most part, was right.

Joe was the latest goodwill ambassador in my life. But there is only one person whom I can credit with being the Queen of All Things Good--the lady who quietly taught me how to be myself--Tyla.

I thought I knew "who I was", but I was mistaken. I only knew who I had been told to be. I listened to the old stories and assumed them to be true. Only after knowing Tyla, only after seeing just how a person should move through their life with grace, did I know who I was, who I'd been hiding, and how to be that person.

With Tyla's help I went from being cynical to being hospitable; from loathing to loving. I realized I loved being "Mom" and "Cook" and "Baker". I found my calling in having an open door policy, and can truly appreciate the small but wonderful things like chatting with my neighbor over the fence, helping out the local pet food pantry, and making sure that if the bus leaves a kid behind they know to walk to my house for a ride.

Tyla, if you read this, I hope you'll begin to understand just how many lives you impact by teaching just one friend at a time how to live in beauty and with grace. And as I parted from Joe, he and I both took with us the joy of communion and the invigoration of a happenstance lunch with a newfound friend. As I left my old friends and my family behind on the return flight, I know how touched, how moved many of them were with my transformation--some even said as much.

My good friend Tyla is one of those special angels who, like ripples on a still pond, make the world a far more beautiful place, one soul at a time. "Thank you" will never be enough to say to her.

Homecoming Week

I recently completed a mission of mercy back to the family manse. While it was a heady week of to-dos and details, there were respites in between of absolute joy.

I re-connected with two of my very best friends from high school--we had not seen each other in over two decades--for an evening out. Eight hours later, I think we were mostly caught up on each other's lives, and fully briefed on all the contact information. Now I just hope we can keep in touch and hopefully make plans to see each other again.

I was the one who moved away, so I'm the one who has lost the connection. I got to hear about classmates and what they were up to. I got to see how the whole area--the whole state for that matter--has raised my high school up on a pedestal of football greatness. They even painted the water tower. They have helmets on display in the convenience stores. There are pennants on every lightpole in three towns.

And I had the unrivaled pleasure of spending time with my dear cousin. He and I were inseparable for years and were pretty much raised as brother and sister--not officially, but in our hearts. We had a meal together and closed the restaurant down. Two nights later, I accompanied my cousin and his two precious little girls to a minor league hockey game. If there is such a thing as an enchanted evening, that was one. We had the best time. And even though they are really second cousins, I now have two little "nieces" who call me "Aunt Susie". That was the highlight of the trip to be sure.

I thought I knew why I had to drop everything and make the trip; thought I knew in advance all that lie waiting for me in the week ahead. But I was wrong. For while those obligations were important and necessary, I could never have hoped to fly into town and spring myself on people so successfully.

Many of the big old trees have come down and been replaced with businesses and new homes. Several thoroughfares no longer lead where they used to. Signs point the way to things I've never known. But looking into the faces that have seen me through a large portion of my life and hugging the ones who fought with me the wars of "coming of age", I knew I wouldn't get lost.

You can go home again. And if you keep your schedule loose and your plans flexible, you never know where home might lead you.

Why I'm Grateful For Canada

Today is Canadian Thanksgiving Day and while hockey is a given, I thought I should offer up my five favorite things Canadian for which to give thanks.

1. The Rheostatics--If you have never heard this band, you haven't really heard Canadian music (sorry, Barenaked Ladies fans). And if you haven't heard "Whale Music", then you are missing out on the only perfect album ever recorded. (Listen in headphones to get the full appreciation for the production values.)

2. "Kids in the Hall". I raised my son on this show and he's one of the best, most well-rounded people I know. 'Nuf said.

3. The Colorado Avalanche--Thank you, Quebec, for giving us your Nordiques!!

4. The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation--Fabulous projects, great movies, terrific TV.

5. The Bombadier Company and the Embraer Company--If it wasn't for CRJs (Canada Regional Jets) most of us wouldn't be able to get around and I wouldn't want to fly. Small, safe planes, easy boarding, and friendly crews. And on the Embraer, the A seats get their own, private row!!

So thank you, our great northern neighbors. You help us raise our own bar, strip a lot of the cold out of our weather patterns, and make melancholy cool.

Hibernation

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans," sang John Lennon.

I will be hibernating (technologically) this next week as LIFE has walked up, rung the doorbell, and smacked me square in the face, demanding my attention.

Forgive the sabbatical, dip into the old posts if you're interested, and tune in next weekend or so for some fine and funny stories from the trail...the foolish, dusty, goofy old trail we create as we stomp ourselves across the Earth's crust.

Hey, do all the billboards really slow down Earth's rotation? I've always wondered about that one.

Be safe, have fun, see you soon...

WEEK FIVE: Out of the BS

Wow, when I'm wrong I'm really really wrong. Thanks for the effort (not) USF! Congrats to Pitt.

Now for the truncated list of WEEK FIVE picks, and as usual, winners in caps:

*Ball State @ OKLAHOMA
*ALABAMA @ Florida
*Nevada @ BOISE STATE
*University of California at Los Angeles @ STANFORD
*Nebraska @ WISCONSIN
*Auburn @ SOUTH CAROLINA
*CLEMSON @ Virginia Tech
*BAYLOR @ Kansas State
*TEXAS @ Iowa State
*Southern Methodist University @ TCU
*GEORGIA TECH @ North Carolina State
*Bowling Green @ WEST VIRGINIA
*Oregon State @ ARIZONA STATE
*Michigan State @ OHIO STATE
*IDAHO @ Virginia (Going out on a big ass limb, here. But that's where the magic is...)
*HAWAI'I @ Louisiana Tech
*Bethune-Cookman @ MIAMI
*Notre Dame @ PURDUE (There's that limb again. Maybe it won't snap just yet.)
*University of Mississippi @ FRESNO STATE
*WASHINGTON STATE @ Colorado (Really want to pick the Buffs, but I'd be lying.)

There are my 20 for now--of course I'm going into this with that Thursday night smashing loss, so we'll see if there is any redemption.

GAMES TO WATCH/CLOSE ONES:
Nevada at Boise St.
Nebraska at Wisconsin
Auburn at South Carolina